Friday, March 28, 2008

Journal Star Has A New Sheriff; No Comment From Bsmoked (Yet)

This is actually some good news: Kansas City Star Editor Michael Nelson is leaving KC to become the new editor of Bsmoked's Lincoln Journal Star.

Yeah, we've gotten the memo long ago. Newspapers are dying, and they've all (except some like oh, the World Herald) married the web with the idea that ultimately THAT will be where everyone goes to get everything. But Nelson did an incredible job with the KC Star and I go to their website daily. He's had two of the best (if not THE best) sports columnists in Joe Posnanski and Jason Whitlock on his staff, which is impressive enough when you consider they've been there forever and are in a small sports market that hasn't exactly seen any sort of, oh, WINNING. So I'm expecting good things from Nelson, who's a Nebraska boy. And we all know what happened the last time a Nebraska native came back to run something important...

Just wondering what our old friend Bsmoked thinks of all this...

Your Husker Spring Practice Update

We know, there are literally 30 some reporters who've been covering the Husker Spring Practices, and the really big news is that they're actually ALLOWED to watch what's going on, which hasn't happen in the past four years. The Lincoln Journal Star is doing a great blog on everything going on, and frankly they're so in depth with everything we can't break any new ground with shit. Oh, another good thing is that they're actually PRACTICING. With pads. And helmets. Turns out that sort of thing didn't really happen over the last four years either!

As we predicted when the coaching staff was named, Mike Ekeler is already becoming a media star and will continue to be (we WILL have a good piece on Ekeler after the spring game as we're actually going to get some things from him then about the way things are and the way things ought to be). And of course, players are openly airing their own dirty laundry and throwing the old staff under the bus, most famously Cody Glenn. I mean, we all saw THAT coming.

You know the drill, everything is different now. That happens with a new sheriff in town. But it really isn't news that some players are pissed and saying coaches promised them playing time and certain touches on certain plays during certain games. That's just nitpicking. Let it go. People lie every day. It's great that Pelini's a straight shooter and won't even play that card. The cancer's been cut, and Bo and company have their new plans and systems up and running.

What I'm just amazed at is all of the crazy stories that have transpired over the past three months about how the old staff did shit. Stuff you won't find in the mainstream media, but we'll throw some confirmed favorites here:
  • Husker Reporter Sean Callahan, who was a Billy C favorite probably because they shared the same last name and Sean really dug in and bought into the whole recruiting angle, recently saw the ex-Husker coach at an NFL Combine. He went up to Billy C just to say hello, and Old Man Callahan gave him the Heisman pose. Didn't throw a "hey" or "Hello" back, just ignored him. Yeah, I'd say Bill C's bitter about his time spent in Nebraska.
  • Didn't know this one: During the Stevie P/Billy C regime, all of the famous portraits of the Husker All-Americans that were displayed in the hallway at Memorial Stadium were taken down. After Pelini and crew came in, they found all of those pictures just stored away in a closet. They're back up now. Wouldn't that be like doing away with the retired numbers at Yankee Stadium?
  • When Callahan first came to Lincoln, he at least gave the a courtesy effort to reach out to some supporters. He posed for pictures with the owner of Jerico's in Omaha, gave Omaha's infamous Green Onion lounge an autographed photo. And then the 1994 season hit, and that shit just stopped happening. Billy C had his house way out in the boonies, and was rarely seen in public. When he was, and some BOOSTERS expressed their concern about the direction of the program, Callahan would simply walk away. One said, "We were just wanting to hear him say that things were going to get better, but he just sort of looked at us puzzled and left."

We'll have more fun ones when we hear them, but it is nice to know that players are at least really, well, practicing.


Tuesday, March 25, 2008

2008 MLB Preview (Or Why We're All Happy To Have Hank Steinbrenner Around)

There really hasn't been much of a Bronx Zoo around the Yankees over the past decade, mostly because they won every year, Joe Torre somehow kept a calmness around the club, and George Steinbrenner never got riled about anything like he did in the Billy Martin Era. For a while, the Yankees were, dare I say it, classy.

But now things are about to escalate, because as we all know now, there is another Steinbrenner, and Hank just can't stop talking. And this is good for everybody. Hank has already thrown Torre under the bus, called out ESPN for creating "Red Sox Nation" (I actually agree with that), dissed every team that doesn't play in New York or LA, and oh by the way scared A-Rod in a game of chicken that made Alex negotiate a new deal with the Yanks without the all powerful Scott Boras present. Hank also loves cigarettes and Jennifer Love Hewitt. Oh, and he's got a new Manager in Joe Girardi who's obviously got more of Billy Martin in him than he does Joe Torre. Girardi was the guy who pissed off the Florida owners so much that he was fired the same year he was named NL Manager of the Year. All of this alone promises for an interesting summer.

But there's much more to this season than the potential fireworks and the last year at old Yankee Stadium...
  • The Cubs have the potential to be very, very good, and Lou Piniella knows it. Kerry Wood as the closer could make all the difference in the world. Just think how much fun it would have been to watch Harry Carey try to figure out Fukudome. The Cubs should run away with the NL Central, but then what will Sweet Lou do in October?
  • Am I the only one who thinks Albert Pujols and that bad elbow is going to be a problem? The Cardinals look like a mess. Plus they've banned booze from the clubhouse. At Busch Stadium? Screw that.
  • Damn, the Brewers only finished two games behind the Cubs in the NL Central last year? And they think one of the answers is signing Erig Gagne? Plus Prince Fielder is claiming to be a vegetarian. I'm not buying any of it.
  • Raise your hand if you have any clue why Dusty Baker chose to come back and manage the Reds. That said, Baker's taken every club he's managed to the playoffs, and should have won titles with the 2002 Giants and the 2003 Cubs. Which means Cincinnati should at least finish ahead of the Cardinals.
  • The Astros and Pirates. Just visiting this planet. Miguel Tejada will be a huge distraction for Houston. Pittsburgh at least signed Freddy Sanchez to an extension. They could probably get Kent Tukulve to close games for them too.
  • The Mets think all is right in the world since they pulled off the trade for Johan Santana. Something is still missing though, and you can't think they can rebound from that huge choke at the end of last year. (By the way, I love how A-Rod's finally come out and admitted that back in 2000, he wanted to sign a long-term deal with the Mets. Another thing that keeps Yankee fan from falling for him.)
  • Which reminds me of the Phillies, who lucked into the playoffs thanks to the Mets collapse. The Phils had a lot of guys who had career years last year, and they also have a lot of guys who strike out. A LOT. And not enough pitching.
  • It looks like John Smoltz and the Braves have one more good run in them, and Tim Hudson is finally going to have that great year he's supposed to have. I'm taking them in the NL East, and then bow out right away in the NLDS.
  • The Nationals and Marlins aren't even trying. After all the fire sales the Marlins have had, wasn't the Miguel Cabrera/Dontrell Willis gift to the Tigers the ultimate Going Out of Business sign? And now the Tigers just signed Cabrera to an eight-year deal? The Nationals opening day starter is Odalis Perez.
  • Torre trying to work what he did for the Yankees with the Dodgers. His biggest problem is going to be dealing with the potential juggernaut that is the Arizona Diamondbacks, who have a great Manager in Bob Melvin and if the Unit can even come half-way back, they've got a pitching staff that could breeze through October. The DBacks are my early pick to win it all. But we'll at least give LA the Wild Card because that's another carton of cigarettes for Hank Steinbrenner.
  • "Tainted Love", "Come On Eileen", "99 Luftballoons", "Seasons In The Sun". Pick whatever one-hit wonder you want. That's what the Rockies were last year. They shouldn't have even made the playoffs, but rode the wave of that great 163rd extra inning game...
  • ...Against the Padres, who stay in the thick of things every year. They're just so fucking boring.
  • Oh wait, so are the Giants. Barry's shadow isn't going away.
  • If you think the fireworks in the Bronx will be fun, remember how crazy Ozzie Guillen can turn with the White Sox? As is always the case with Ozzie, the Chi Sox are either really flying high or down in the dregs. He'll be fired by July as Hawk Harrelson's "Good Guys" struggle. Hell, Ozzie's even telling the press he SHOULD be fired if the Sox don't win.
  • Wait a second, the Royals all of a sudden have a pulse? New Manager Trey Hillman is going to be a big story this year. Not that Kansas City is going to make a push for October, but they're going to finally be a tougher out than people expect. At least with Dayton Moore in charge, there's a solid plan with the Royals.
  • The Twins will obviously miss Johan, but they're still decent. They won't miss Torii Hunter at all, and oh by the way Minnesota just signed Joe Nathan, who might be the best closer in the bigs, to an extension.
  • Does everyone remember how close Cleveland was to getting to the Series last year? They'll win what will be the best division in baseball. Even if one should never put their faith in an ace who has the body of Cecil Fielder.
  • Jim Leyland will have to manage like the Dickens in Detroit, because he'll have the best of times filling out that lineup card everyday, but smoke more cigarettes than Hank Steinbrenner trying to fill a solid pitching staff.
  • The Red Sox are the safe pick in the East, but they have their own pitching woes and need to make sure Paplebon continues to be Mariano Rivera instead of Mitch Williams (because off the field, Paplebon sure sounds more like the Wild Thing than he does Mo). Manny Ramirez is finally in the last year of that big contract, and you have to figure that's enough to inspire him to go and win the MVP. And then leave Boston next year for something like the Independent League.
  • People keep waiting for Toronto to finally turn the corner and get past either the Yanks or Sox. I keep waiting for my video tape of A Fish Called Wanda from Bsmoked to arrive in the mail.
  • This Yankee run HAS to end sometime soon, doesn't it? The handling of Joba will be crucial, and we'll hear all about all things with "Yankee Nation" all year long. I'd love nothing more than to see them stumble badly, but they'll hang around like they always do. Fuckers.
  • Tampa Bay will create a buzz the first time they play the Yankees because of Girardi making such a fuss about that spring training game. And then we'll never hear about the "Rays" again.
  • As Joe Cabot would say in Reservoir Dogs, the Orioles are as dead as Dillinger.
  • Felix Hernandez puts together a Cy Young season, and the rest of their great pitching is enough to lead Seattle to the AL West title.
  • All of the experts are saying the Angels are a shoo-in to win the West. Like the Mets, there seems to be something missing here. They should have never traded Orlando Cabrera.
  • Uh oh, the A's have former Royal headaches Emil Brown and Mike Sweeney. Not a good sign, and nobody can figure out what that Rascally Rabbit Billy Beane is up to. Which just proves Beane knows more than the rest of us. Even if they're rebuilding -- which they clearly are -- you can't rule Beane out.
  • Milton Bradley will at least create some headlines for the Rangers. But nothing they do can move the Cowboys from the front page.

Friday, March 21, 2008

"A Guy With A Long Face Walks In With A Horse..."

I don't know what freaks me out the most: I beg Travis Roastbeef to snap a quick Flynn picture only to have him fail miserably; or that somebody actually kept a ton of pictures they traded with classmates...and still has one of our famous intimidating phone caller. And took time from their life to scan it on a computer and post it on-line.

In the interest of full disclosure, SOMEBODY collected these pictures to the point that they're in mint condition some 20 years later...and now there's a website where all of us can write fake bios for everybody. I strongly encourage anyone and everyone to write bios for people. Mackenzie helped me write one in the only way that could be done. In fact, I'm taking Mac's text message about said subject and posting it as his "what he's been up to for 20 years" item. And frankly, that's what the Internet is for. I'll put the link up later, but by all means, nothing is sacred, nothing is too raunchy or wrong. The fact that anyone can do a bio on whoever they want is just too good to pass up. CLICK TO READ ENTIRE POST!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Save Ferris, Not Rosenblatt

There's nothing redeeming about Rosenblatt Stadium. It's been a dying dog that should have been put out of it's misery 10 years ago. The only reason it's lived as long as it has is because for years, the City of Omaha helped turn something called the College World Series into what Tony Soprano would call "an ATM Machine." On a national level, the CWS isn't that big a deal. Sure, it's always a great vacation spot for those from LSU and Cal State Fullerton because those people have become part of the annual carnival and bring millions of dollars to Omaha every June (whether their teams make it or not). Yes, the city of Omaha gets a 2-week shout out from ESPN and some writers wax nostalgically about how great the event is. All true, but it ain't like the nation is overwhelmingly captivated by the 8 teams who punch their ticket to the Big O each year. The CWS is what you'd call a big local event, but it doesn't appear to have any sort of legs that would make it a national phenomenon like College Football or March Madness are (I've reasoned for years that aluminum bats prevent it from being bigger in that regard, the pings for my money almost put the college game down to an Arena Football-esque level).

But this isn't about the College World Series trying to stretch it's cume. This is about what the Series means to Omaha's economy, and the big 700 pound hideous elephant in the room called Rosenblatt Stadium. Rosenblatt only tries to put on it's Sunday best for the two weeks the CWS comes to town, and even then it's more like Gary Busey putting on a tuxedo. Fortunately for the Blatt, all games are sold out, because that place feels absolutely empty with a crowd of 10,000. As someone who spent more than an entire season at the stadium, there's no other way to put it. Rosenblatt is a dump. There are no quaint little charms that you find in old parks like Wrigley Field, Fenway Park and yes even Yankee Stadium. Even after millions of dollars spent on upgrades, Omaha Mayor Mike Fahey finally realized there's no way to dress that pig. And that eventually, the NCAA was going to figure this out as well, and start to at least pay attention from the cries that came from Oklahoma City and even Indianapolis. Sure, the CWS and Omaha have been a great marriage, but the NCAA has the upper hand in this relationship, and if Michael Douglas has a chance to shack up with Catherine Zeta-Jones...

So the NCAA knows it has Omaha by the balls. The money spent in Omaha during those two weeks alone is staggering. But it's the event itself the people come for, not because it's at some hollowed stadium that gives you chills upon seeing it. The loud voices (from, it should be noted, a very small group, about the same number of people who would attend an average Omaha Royals game) who are fighting to "Save Rosenblatt" are missing the point. A new stadium in downtown would bring in even more revenue to Omaha. The NCAA would sign a long-term agreement with the city, something that would suggest that the CWS and Omaha are staying together. No more jockeying for position every few years.

Take a walk around Rosenblatt sometime. Take away the zoo, which just dwarfs everything, and it ain't exactly Wrigleyville you got there. There's a small, old-time Zesto's fast food joint that is right out of 1959. You have to walk a while to find an old-time saloon called Starsky's, which is nice if you're looking to get drunk by only spending 10 bucks. It's just a shitty old neighborhood. A new ballpark in Downtown Omaha would bring in new restaurants, bars, retail stores, probably another hotel, and would offer that much more for the CWS. The Omaha Royals and Creighton Bluejays would see increased interest and attendance for their games. There would actually be a baseball stadium where you'd go out of your way to see. And yes, there would be plenty of parking, which means tailgating will be even bigger than it's been (one of the CWS many charms for my money).
The small Omaha contingent that thinks it can play a game of chicken with the NCAA doesn't have a fucking clue. They obviously haven't seen how the seating behind home plate stays wet and unsafe for days after rain hits it. They haven't noticed how difficult it is for anyone inside to get concessions or souvenirs. The merchandise store -- yes, there's only one -- is the size of a fitting room. There's no room to add space for these folks to do business.

The really great news is that Fahey and his band are dialed in. No matter how many more small groups yell at town meetings, the new ballpark is happening. Give credit to Fahey on sticking to his vision, one he actually started thinking about over three years ago. Fahey knows that NOT building the new stadium would mean losing the CWS, and then Omaha becomes about as attractive as Des Moines. So Rosenblatt's done in 2 years, and Omaha will have some new toys to add to a skyline that Alexander Payne made fun of in About Schmidt. It's all happening. And it's about fucking time.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Set Lists Only The Few Can Figure Out

Above is the actual copy of the actual set list from Springsteen's show in Omaha last night. I guess if you're a band that's being doing this stuff for almost your entire adult life, you can get by with shorthand on what song is coming up next (BToR is "Born To Run", Dan is "Dancing in the Dark", and a few other ones would require some serious guesswork from even the die-hard fans of the boss).

And don't worry: Silvio is alive and well, as Steven Van Zandt has gone from being Tony Soprano's right hand man to this original second banana (or as Christopher would say, bandanna, role). Evidently Connor Oberst came out during an encore to sing backup and play tambourine on "Thunder Road" (or as the set-list calls it, Th. Rd). And yes, all indications are Van Zandt is done with Silvio's rug:

Friday, March 14, 2008

Blair News of The Week

The Blair pigs just can't stop, as they took the extra day of the year to try and mix up some sort of news. Yes, we scored for things that screamed, "FLYNN!", but it looks like he's just waiting in the weeds for now, waiting for his time to come around...
But he's gonna have to stay away from South Street, as there are plans to rebuild what Flynn would refer to as "Main Street", which means there's gonna be some intimidation by phone call coming from the Flynn Farm soon.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Things Are Escalating

While we're all wondering how the mainstream media misses all sorts of important information we need, turns out they've been sleeping at the wheel when it comes to all things Mary Ann related (to the media's credit, the old lady DID get busted in late October, when there was a lot of shit going on, not like now when it's an election year and the Governor of New York gets in a little bit of trouble).

At any rate, the real news is that there's another You Tube-esque site debuting tomorrow, and it's supposed to be the site that will show us all the fun stuff we've been missing over at youtube, but I'll be a bit leery, especially if the Eddie Murphy years of SNL aren't included (but Lebowski clips are promised, again, we'll see).

Don't you think, just for grins, Eliot Spitzer should try to stick around for a little while? I mean, we ALL made some nice money on Clinton's watch while he was fooling around...hasn't New York been doing fine under this guy?

Monday, March 10, 2008

Trouble at The Rail

After about 3 months of really enjoying all the perks that come with being named the savior of the Nebraska Football program (and was REALLY excited about going to this Friday night's Bruce Springsteen concert in Omaha, something he acknowledged recently on a local radio station), Bo Pelini has to finally face the other side of what being the big cheese is all about.

The really ugly situation involves offensive lineman Andy Christensen, who found himself in trouble at....hold on, 1 guess...THE BRASS RAIL and was so worked up that it allegedly took seven or eight of Lincoln's finest to finally pin him down. Wow, who knew that somebody had that much anger pent up inside of them about Callahan leaving? Bond was set at a whopping $500,000. Uhm, isn't going to the Rail a bad idea for ANY current Husker?

Here's how much goodwill Pelini has in Nebraska. A caller to an Omaha radio station actually had the nerve to call in -- and really, get through -- and suggest that Christensen's sort of enthusiasm at the Rail is what the Huskers have been missing. The radio hosts immediately dumped the caller, to their credit, and said, "That's probably the worst call in the short history of this show."

But just as Pelini was ready to nip the Christensen story in the bud and get his game on to see The Boss, three current Huskers were mixing up their own trouble. It turns out they were out with two former Husker players, one of whom was...again, this is about as predictable as the Brass Rail here, Maurice Purify.

Hopefully somebody's suggested to the Boss that he play "State Trooper" from the Nebraska album on Friday night and dedicate it to Pelini.


Friday, March 07, 2008

Jeremy Piven Loves to Be Hungover

Just how long have we been living in a world where people have just accepted that Jeremy Piven is going to be hungover in every single interview he does? I understand to an extent that
all of a sudden, John Cusack, who was your meal ticket for as long as anyone can remember, cuts the cord and really doesn't WANT you around him all the time (you know, like anywhere near that picture, for one), you're bumbed out and want to do nothing but drink. And drink some more. And get to the point where you get at least one person to say to you, "I've never seen anyone drink that much in my life!"
Turns out, yes, this REALLY is all part of who Jeremy is (but we're going with METH on why he's in that picture). As in THIS happens a lot with him:
  • "...and ordered, I think, 16 gallons of sake...Then we went out and I ordered tequila - there were four of us - and they brought it to us in test tubes... and my friends then told me they don't drink tequila...So twelve test tubes of tequila later... the DJ came out and said, 'I've never seen anyone drink that much...' The next thing I remember, it's 4:30 the next afternoon. I'm naked, the phone rings, and it's my publicist saying, 'You're back on. I'm in the lobby!'..."I ran to the sauna, did, you know, two pushups, drank some coffee, went on stage and I realized I was so hung over that the only move I had was to simulate malaria, so I told a story about malaria and passed out."

There are some parts of that where you would nod in disagreement. You know, like if it wasn't Jeremy Piven. Who, when he heard there were people growing "Writers Strike Beards" to show support to these people who write things for him (provided that he really does know how to read), said to himself, "Wow, writers are on STRIKE??? And that just means, well, I got a lot of time to do nothing but drink! And now I've got some reason to toss around in a positive manner as to why I look so disheveled and haggard the next day."

If you're looking as to how Entourage became an unwatchable train wreck that is now destroying HBO in the process, well, that picture says a lot.


Thursday, March 06, 2008

Isn't This The Sort Of Thing The Mainstream Media Should Hammer Into Our Heads?

There's going above and beyond the call of duty, and then there's Marisa Tomei agreeing to allow Philip Seymour Hoffman do her doggie style and have the whole thing filmed.

I read great reviews about Before The Devil Knows You're Dead, but I have a strong feeling that I would have remembered one that mentioned a very, very naked and rather graphic Tomei letting the guy who had a crush on Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights work her silly.

The really good news is that we have this little website that has the whole thing broken down High Definition style in four parts. All we ask is to please spread the good word that this scene exists.

One minor catch that you'll actually not be bothered with so much on repeat viewings: You are going to deal with an at first glance startling and equally naked Philip Seymour Hoffman and his bare ass, but hell it's worth it. You have to think that Hoffman, who's now a very happy guy, demanded at least 30 takes of this scene. "Sidney, those damn red warts on my ass were showing during that last round. We really should try this again one more time, (thinking that he saw Marky Mark work that sort of magic in Boogie Nights), I'll get it right for this great project of yours." No wonder when Javier Bardem won his Oscar, Hoffman just sat and smiled the whole time. CLICK TO READ ENTIRE POST!

Obscure Movie of the week, Arena Brains

I have either stumbled across the mother of all obscure movies here or am the only one who has never heard of this movie until now. Either way, I nearly shit my pants Karl Grindberg style when I opened up the IMDB page on this movie to see the cast. Arena Brains is a short film, 32 minutes to be exact. I cant find much about this movie online, but it has something to do about New York yuppies. Anyhow, the amazing thing about this is the cast which includes Ray Liotta,Steve Buscemi, Eric Bogosion and, get this Michael Stipe. Even the actors in this movie that I did not know have been in an assload of Movies, like Sean Young, AKA Lois Einhorn/Ray Finkle from Ace Ventura and Richard Price, Writer/producer/Actor who was nominated for an Oscar for 1986's the Color of money and now is a writer for The Wire. I have to know if I have unearthed hidden treasure here or have just plain been in the dark for the last 20 years. By the Way DL, this movie is available on VHS on CLICK TO READ ENTIRE POST!

Blair News of The Week

This is too fucked up, even for me:

Justin R. Flynn, 37, Blair, Intimidation by phone call, Dismissed.

In the interest of full disclosure, I made a vow some time ago to not be the one to break the news to Flynn about the whole caller ID thing because explaining the whole process would have been the Lord's work. And by "Lord", I really mean "Someone who was willing to console a sobbing skinny bastard who refused to get over the idea that he wouldn't be able to call Tawnya Roberts at 3am anymore". I guess I just assumed he'd stumble on it in his own way. My bad.

And sometimes, these things just write themselves:

David A. Bloemer, 38, Blair, Overweight on axle or group of axles, $75 fine.

I know the question you're asking yourself and the answer is Yes. I'd like to have a shirt just like the guy on the right in that picture above.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Obscure Movie Of The Week: Touch And Go (1986)

Maybe the true test of whether or not something is an "obscure" movie or not is to check and see whether or not the fucking thing is even available on DVD, let alone Blue Ray or DVD-HD. Turns out this little gem of a film called Touch and Go aint on any DVD you can get anywhere (at least legally) and doesn't appear to be anytime soon. Which says something, because it's actually a decent movie that got great reviews (Siskel & Ebert both gave it "Two Thumbs Up", although it should be noted not "Two Enthusiastic Thumbs Up", and it really seems they only liked it because it was filmed in Chicago).

At any rate, it's a wonder the movie even got released, and turns out only did so because of star

Michael Keaton's stock rising so fast at time. But hell, if it wasn't going to come out in 1986, don't you think that after something like Beetle Juice or I don't know, Batman, it would have had some sort of shelf life? Which I have a theory of: If this movie HAD come out a few years later, it might not be so obscure.

The gist of the film has Keaton playing a pro hockey player who gets mugged outside a rough Chicago stadium after a game. He runs down one of the kids, who's such a con artist he convinces Keaton's character to throw back cheeseburgers with him and come home and meet Mom, who happens to be single and played by a little hottie named Maria Conchita Alonso, who I'm sure Quentin Tarantino jerks off to every other night.

So there's your story line, and you can pretty much guess where things go. Keaton falls for the kid's mom and oh by the way gets back at the gang of thugs who mugged him and teaches the kid a lesson on staying away from the crips and bloods and such. But the movie really serves as Exhibit A as to why Keaton was such a big deal, and leaves a lot of us wondering why he never became even bigger. It seems that Keaton and Tom Hanks both made the scene around the same time. Both made successful Ron Howard movies, and for a while it looked like Keaton was going to have the brilliant career.

And frankly, I can't figure out where Keaton went wrong. Other than maybe Hanks can suck the corporate tit better, there's no reason he isn't having a Jack Nicholson-esque sort of career now.

But alas, it seemed stardom seemed to freak Keaton out whereas Hanks was drawn to it. Keaton was Tim Burton's go-to guy before Johnny Depp. It seemed like Keaton was really drawn the Burton's world, and had some major hits along the way. Then the shit hit the fan. Burton and Johnny Depp became joined at the penis, and bowed out after the second Batman movie, replaced by that flaming fag Joel Schumacher as director, and Keaton decided to punt on doing anymore Batman flicks. Which turned out to be the right move, but it evidently gave Hollywood pause, because frankly Keaton hasn't done anything since.

While Hanks is looked upon as some risk taker for playing a gay lawyer or a retarded guy who gets to fuck Robin Wright Penn, Keaton has stuck to formula films where he's basically the only thing in the movie worth watching. The Dream Team was a light-hearted Cuckoo's nest wannabe. Pacific Heights thinks it's a Fatal Attraction update of some sort. Hell, My Life is a Ghost rip-off (even written by the same guy who wrote Ghost) and Keaton probably thought Multiplicity was his Groundhog Day (because, like Groundhog, Multiplicty was Directed by Harold Ramis and co-starred Andie MacDowell). Even when Keaton tried to stretch and jump in bed with Tarantino, he winds up in QT's worst received film (although Jackie Brown is still a great movie and Keaton is very good in it). A few years ago, because I was tired of tossing dollar bills out of my car to flow freely in the wind, I ordered a movie called Game 6 on in-demand because the story was somewhat intriguing and it looked like Keaton was going to do a great but small independent film. It's an alright movie, forever destined to be a future Obscure Movie of the Week, but again Michael Keaton is the best thing going for it. Just as it is for Touch and Go. CLICK TO READ ENTIRE POST!