Tuesday, November 07, 2006

What if I were to tell you that I had a package deal with Dennis Rodman and Vern Troyer? Is that something you might be interested in?

Dennis Rodman will star as the coach of a dwarf hoops squad in "The Minis," with Vern Troyer as one of his players. "Me and Mini-Me," Rodman says. "It'll be wild." Cameras roll in 2007.
--ESPN Magazine

A Dirty Laundry Imagined Conversation

Int -- Hollywood Studio Bungalow

Producer: Alan, congrats on the new gig!

Studio Chief: Thanks Murray. Sit down, sit down. It's 2:30, care for a cocktail?

Producer: No, I'm fine.

Studio Chief: OK, well, I might have a short one...what do you got for me today?

Producer: Big Picture: Think "Fish That Saved Pittsburgh" with the Ooompa-Loompas from "Willy Wonka."

Studio Chief: Uh-huh, OK...you want to do a line? No? I think I may just do a line or two, it's been a long week.

Producer: Remember "Blue Chips" with Nick Nolte? Well, what if instead of a drug-addled, slightly insane method actor as the head coach, you have a former actual NBA star? Granted, it's a former NBA star with some borderline bipolar disorder. But we can get him cheap -- room, board and three bottles of Jagermeister cheap. Alan? Excuse me, what are you doing?

Studio Chief: Oh, I'm just shooting some heroin in-between my toes...go on, I'm listening? So you want us to greenlight a movie with Ruben Patterson?

Producer: Right. What? No. Dennis Rodman. As a head coach. Think "Eddie," but instead of the New York Knicks it's a team of dwarves. A team of dwarves who by the way--

Studio Chief: Could probably beat the Knicks? I get it. Ha-ha, very funny. You're reading too much Bill Simmons. Who else is in the cast? Can you help me with this bottle of Percocet?

Producer: Sure, sure...well, we got Mini-Me, Vern Troyer.

Studio Chief: Uh-huh, and he's what, the Two-Guard?

Producer: We really haven't drilled down that far into details...

Studio Chief: Billy Barty at Point? Peter Dinkalage in the Post?

Producer: I'm afraid Billy's dead and I don't think think this is Peter's kind of movie...

Studio Chief: What, the Station Agent's too good to be in a dwarf basketball movie...you see, that pisses me off.

Producer: You know, we were thinking no-name dwarves for the rest of the cast would be cheaper anyway. So what do you think, are we in bed together?

Studio Chief: (into intercom) Angie, has my shipment of ether come in yet? Murray, I've got to be honest with you. I'm so high right now I can see three of you, one of which is slowly melting in front of me, so I'm hoping that that one is not the real you. And next on my schedule is a meeting with the writers of "The Benchwarmers" so I'm not exactly Merchant-fucking-Ivory. But this idea sounds like pure unadulterated shit. Why don't you take it over to Tom Cruise's new studio...he likes anything with someone shorter than him in it.


16 comments:

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Good, crisp writing.

Nice story arc.

Obscure reference in the title to make me feel witty for getting it.

Golf clap and a "nicely played" for Mackenzie.

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Dude, you need a hobby and less time with Dirty Laundry.

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