Thursday, February 28, 2008

Obscure Movie Of The Week: Runaway (1984)

There was a point in time -- and God knows you're never going to get the man to admit to this -- when KISS bass player and legendary money lover Gene Simmons was, shall we say, worried about what his little rock band was going to do sans makeup. I mean, KISS had already lost two founding members in Ace Frehley and Peter Criss, and staged a Live event on MTV to unveil the new band without their trademark makeup.

BTW, before I forget, Gene's been in the news a bit lately, and it really shouldn't surprise anyone that a video like this has surfaced. And there's a good chance that by the time you click on the above link, Gene's lawyers might have won and taken it down.

But Gene's sexcapades, which were already legendary, aren't the movies we're talking about here. We're talking about a forgotten little movie called Runaway, which is a Tom Selleck futuristic vehicle that had to pitched to Selleck along the lines of, "Think Blade Runner but scarier. It'll get you off that TV show of yours, you won't have to wear a Detroit Tigers hat anymore. We'll even cut your hair like Harrison Ford's...yes, you can keep the mustache, and we'll get Christopher Walken or somebody to play the very scary villain. And the guy who will one day write a film called Jurassic Park will write and direct it, so stop your sobbing and sign here..."

Instead of Walken, Simmons was cast in his first real movie role (No, KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park doesn't count as his debut because, well, for one that was a made of TV movie where Gene is playing Gene Simmons of KISS, and have you even seen part of THAT mess of a movie?), and truth be told, he's actually very good as the villain. Just ask Gene, he'll tell you all about it. In fact, according to Simmons, director Michael Crichton's casting of him was based primarily on this: Crichton asked Simmons to stare at him for about a minute without making any facial expressions. Apparently, Crichton decided on this that Simmons looked menacing enough and cast him for the role of Dr. Charles Luther.

Not to say Gene was going to need to get his press folks to strike up a Supporting Actor Oscar campaign, but the movie was at least enough to warrant another role or two for old Gene. But as it turns out, the revamped KISS did well enough for about another decade without their makeup to sell enough records to keep that money grabbing bastard Simmons in silk pajamas. And I'm sure Gene isn't the easiest of folks to work with. I mean, this is the guy who when all four members of KISS released solo albums in the late '70's, ended his with an extremely faithful and un-ironic version of "When You Wish Upon A Star." In other words, Got No Spleen, Gene, was thinking he had leading man material coming his way. To which we need to be reminded of what Eddie Murphy said in his landmark standup movie, Eddie Murphy Delirious: "Rock stars get all sorts of pussy...all you gotta do is sing...because Mick Jagger is one of the ugliest mother fuckers in the universe." Sorry Gene, you just not the most handsome man one could put on a movie screen.

Runaway takes place in a far too distant future where machines are turning against man. Machines run by Simmons' character. And it's up to Tom Selleck and a little hottie played by Cynthia Rhodes (who sadly didn't do much film work after this) to save the day. Oh, and a pre-Cheers Kirstie Alley has a major role as well. I don't want to spoil all the fun here, but Simmons character kills her. Universal's HD channel has been replaying the movie probably more than they should lately, and there are worse ways to spend 90-minutes.

Selleck, it should be noted, has had an odd career. He did have a major hit with 3 Men and a Baby, was actually funny in his numerous appearances as Monica's older love interest on "Friends", and should have gotten a lot more roles by playing a gay TV reporter in the otherwise forgettable In & Out. Where did Selleck go wrong? Probably because he never got to be Harrison Ford. Turns out Steven Spielberg wanted him to play Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark, but he was still under contract for that little TV show that first made him a star. And he's probably pissed off that George Clooney is having the movie career of movie careers after getting his own start on television.


Thursday, February 21, 2008

Blair News of The Week

This story is just too good, and you could only get these quotes from bar hopping the old Blair Taverns. This is going to come as quite the shock to many, but it seems the city of Blair wants no part of a state wide smoking ban. Many great quotes from this article, I love the old "It sucks," from Carol Barner, who was interviewed while lighting one up at George's Tavern. "I understand the health issues related to it but it should be a choice. There's more killing with guns and alcohol!"

Seriously Carol, don't go giving anybody any ideas. You're already at a fucking bar -- and alcohol has been the social lubricants of social lubricants for thousands of years. It's already bad enough most of us missed the work environments of the '60's and '70's, where the three martini lunch was the order of the day. Don't even bring alcohol into this mix, I'll have none of it.

Another great quote, and this is something I think Mackenzie has used with these exact words on many occasion: "I think there will be a big difference in business," a bartender at Main Street Bar & Grill said. "That's what people come to the bar for. There's people who come in and see the ashtrays on the table and say, 'wow, we can smoke in here!'" Actually, no, they come in for the booze dickweed, if they spot an ashtray it's just a nice bonus.

However, it should be noted, there was once a little restaurant called "Talk of The Town" in Blair, where the proud owner busted out a page of a notebook, and hand wrote a sign that literally said, "Smoking is Permitted in This Entire Establishment." It was the first sign you saw, as he hung it right smack dab on the middle of the door. That's how you create some nice word of mouth advertising. That's encouraging the old school to come on in and get their game face on. I also love the picture of the guy from George's Tavern above. He's the Iron Eyes Cody of the Smoking Ban idea. All that's missing is the tear streaming down his face. I don't smoke, but the older I get, the more I dig smokers. Let's people know you've got character. CLICK TO READ ENTIRE POST!

The Comedy Club

I really love the obscure movie of the week thing we're doing here. It's been consistent, and frankly everyone but Mackenzie (currently on the 30-day Disabled List, but he's going go Kobe Bryant and be back sooner than later, special tip of the hat to him for trying to play hurt) has contributed rather nicely. Some real gems, and that segment's only getting better.

One thing about our "P1" readers (you know, the three of you, and a "P1" for those unfamiliar with the term is your core group who rely on to at least sneak a peak here every day, sort of like radio prize pigs, those who are so into their radio station you can always count on them coming out to your remote broadcasts and listening every day) is that we all seem to be in, as Kid Rock would say, "agreeance" on our all-time favorite movie comedies. And I'd say we'd all sign off on the following criteria:
  1. It's a movie we've seen so many times we consistently drop references in everyday conversation. In fact, you make new friends with those who get those references because you know they're in to the same kind of funny.
  2. You find something different that you laugh at or enjoy each new time you see it.
  3. You find yourself going to the movie's page and looking up the memorable quotes on it and actually laugh at reading them.
  4. Years, and in some cases now decades, they remarkably hold up in a big way, and that's extremely difficult for a comedy. I mean, I don't think our little clique goes to the Marx Brothers.
  5. You HAVE to own the DVD, or in Mackenzie's case, you borrow the DVD from someone who considers him one of his best friends and never bring it back.
  6. There's a brilliant performance in the movie from an actor you'd never suspect could be that genuinely funny, and we'll get to a few of those as we start this list.
  7. Any time it's on cable, you find yourself having to drop everything and watch it, even if you only see part of it.
  8. It's a movie that if you find somebody in your life who doesn't like it, you wind up hating that person.

There are a million "All-Time Greatest Comedy" lists (including this rather odd one, which I firmly believe Leonard Maltin was behind) but it's time for this site to create our own database. And I'm guessing we won't have any surprises, but this is an idea who's time has come. Here's a start, in no particular order:

  1. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy: Meets all of the above criteria, and is going to be remembered as Will Ferrell zenith because frankly he's now on the Chevy Chase path (which is really ironic, because Will is on record as saying how much of a dick he thinks Chevy is). I beg of you, go to that movie's memorable quotes page, print out a copy, and enjoy the best fifteen minutes on the shitter you'll ever have. Also becoming known as the Will Ferrell movie that even people who hate Will Ferrell like. I'm of the opinion that the four main leads and Fred Willard improvised this thing, they were having so much fun, and frankly some of the stuff is so laugh out loud funny that it couldn't have been written out. The surprise gem of a performance (and it was really a gem at the time because, well, he was never in a funny movie before) comes from Paul Rudd, who it turns out is actually EXTREMELY funny in real life. Don't believe me? Check this little clip out:

    Every scene is a classic, except for the whole "Jumping in the Panda Cage" scene at the end (which I'll go to grave believing was one of the only things actually written and they caved in having to have some sort of ending), but even that scene has funny moments in it. This one will grow in legend as the years go on. Another tidbit about this flick that Comedy Central or other networks don't understand: You can pretty much show this entire movie with very few language edits (You'd have to lose the "Go Fuck Yourself San Diego" scene, which would dissolve the movie quite considerably, but everything else could pass the network test).
  2. Blazing Saddles : Constantly referred to as, "The movie that you couldn't possibly make today." I disagree, I think somebody should put something like this together and it'd make, to borrow a quote from Slim Pickens from the movie, "A Shitload of Dimes." And yes, that picture above is of perhaps the most underrated comedic actor of our lifetime: Gene Wilder, somebody who's had the pleasure of working with both Mel Brooks and Woody Allen. And this is Wilder's finest hour, he's pitch perfect in every scene. Meets all the above criteria. The two surprise performances: Cleavon Little (like Wilder, he nails everything) and I still say Pickens, even though he was in another comedy classic (Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb), but he was still at the time considered a serious character actor (Stanley Kubrick even wanted to hire Slim in the Scatman Crothers in The Shining.
  3. Caddyshack: The movie that every guy of our generation can still quote almost every line from. Holds up incredibly well, and turns out there were a number of improvised scenes in this one as well (most notably, the only scene where Chevy Chase and Bill Murray have screen time together -- that baby was put together after everyone realized they never had a scene, and it's one of the funniest in the whole damn movie. The "Cinderella Story" scene was completely improvised by Murray, and evidently so was that oil massage thing with Chevy Chase. That latter scene was probably one of those moments where Chevy had a fantasy about that hottie Lacie Underall, and said he'd regret it for the rest of his life if he didn't at least TRY to get that done.) The only fly in the ointment is the whole Gopher thing, but Murray makes the Gopher at least bearable. Otherwise, everything works and works to classic proportions. The surprise performer: I still go with Ted Knight, even though he was wickedly funny on Mary Tyler Moore, but who knew he could hang with the likes of Chase, Murray and Rodney Dangerfield? He delivers lines like "The world needs ditch diggers too" and "How 'bout a Fresca?" to high levels. It's been said that Ted even got fed up with the constant shenanigans of Chase, Murray and Dangerfield. But damn what comedy, even almost thirty freaking years ago now.
  4. Vacation: For my money, Chevy Chase's last shot at the title (there are those who will bring up Fletch, but I'm guilty of I guess not seeing that movie enough times). Still delivers big time, and has one of the all-time best surprise comedic performances of our lifetime: Randy Quaid, who was a dramatic actor at the time and delivers one of the most memorable characters in our comedic history. Rumors abound that there's going to be a special 25th anniversary DVD out later this year, and if that rumor isn't true, it should be.
  5. Dumb & Dumber: I keep thinking this one's going to lose it's edge, but in a weird way it's become like the Shawshank Redemption of comedies (released in the same year, 1994, as Dumb and Dumber for what it's worth). Meaning that it's always on a cable channel like TBS, and holds up. Ultimately I think it'll be remembered as Jim Carrey's finest comedic hour (NONE of his other comedies hold up, but he does have an Oscure Movie of the Week I'm going to get to a week or so). But I figured out early why it's a keeper, and it's because of the biggest surprise performance in almost any comedy. That's right, Jeff Daniels, who is actually much funnier than Carrey. Daniels performance still stands as one of my all-time favorites in any comedy.

These are just the first five of what I know will be a growing list. I'm expecting some major suggestions for quite some time. But these five roll right off the old memory bank.


Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Obscure Movie Of The Week: The Wild Life (1984)

Last week, some local steakhouse brought in a spread that included potatoes, salad, and big cooked up T-Bone Steaks to one of the local morning radio shows so they could feed the on-air staff and get a plug on the air. So naturally, they didn't bring in silverware. Not even sporks, which is always my preferred utensil with all foods, including soup. Nobody would take the steaks without utensils, so one of the announcers told me just to eat the damn thing with my bare hands.

"Who am I?" I retorted. "The late Chris Penn?"

The departed Chris Penn, it should be noted, was not only famous for being the brother of Sean, but on a more local level, he was known for strapping on the old feed bag at the local Lone Star Steak House, ordering the biggest steak on the menu, and eating it. With his BARE HANDS. And this went on every night when he was in Lincoln shooting the cult movie To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. But let's face it: Chris didn't make his bones (pardon the pun) from eating steaks with his bare hands. He got a shot at the title for being Sean Penn's brother. Namely, because of our man Cameron Crowe, who hit the jackpot writing Fast Times at Ridgemont High, a movie that in turn made Sean a household name and gave him lifetime membership in the "Best Stoner Performances Ever" club. He's up there with Matthew McConaughey and Rory Cochrane from Dazed and Confused and Brad Pitt in True Romance.

At any rate, somebody found another script of Crowe's called The Wild Life, thought it was another "Fast Times" and cast Sean's brother Chris in the lead role. Hell, even Cameron Crowe regular Eric Stoltz is in the movie. I'm one of the seven people who admit to actually seeing this in a theater. The BLAIR TWIN THEATRE no less. My memory of this movie is that it was as funny as a Boone's Farm Hangover. Evidently, Ronnie Wood from the Stones is in it. That little hottie Lea Thompson is in it (but she was also in Howard the Duck, the gal wasn't exactly great at picking out the best flicks). There's a weird subplot with Randy Quaid as a Vietnam vet that has no business being there. Eddie Van Halen composed and recorded the entire soundtrack. In short, it's a blatant Fast Times wannabe that never was. In fact, it's not even available on DVD, although now there is a cult following that's demanding a DVD release. My hunch is Jason Jorgensen and anyone else who liked the movie Real Men is in that group. If you desperately need this movie for your DVD collection, please click here and join Jason and the other minions by signing the petition. Some people love the movie, saying "Fast Times was great, but 'The Wild Life' was really what high school was like for me." These people are also categorized as mentally challenged.

By the way, if you're going to make another "Fast Times", you have to follow these simple rules:
  1. The killer, seemingly out of nowhere, nudity shot. Yep, we're talking about Phoebe Cates undoing that bikini top when she comes out of the pool. You don't need Judge Reinhold jerking off in the bathroom, but you gotta have Phoebe's tits. Just ask Kevin Kline. Something that American Pie got right with that minx Nadia running around the bedroom naked wanting to play with herself. Hell, even Sixteen Candles gives us that nice....long....shower shot of Jake's girfriends perfect bare breasts.
  2. At least one identifiable character who everyone recalls from their high school, like Spicoli in Fast Times or David Wooderson or any number of characters in Dazed and Confused (in fact, "Dazed" gets a pass on the nudity because they have so many characters that just nailed it, plus we all envisioned Parker Posey naked anyway). None of that in The Wild Life. I didn't know a Vietnam Vet in High School, I just knew of a few who acted like one while working at a local grocery store.
  3. Music. "Dazed" has the best collection of '70's rock songs from that era that they could get the rights to use. I mean the movie ends with everyone heading off on no sleep to go buy Aeorosmieth tickets. American Gaffiti does the same thing with 1950's pop songs. Irving Azoff got his clients to write great pop songs for "Fast Times", most notably "Somebody's Baby" by Jackson Browne, and the underrated "Love Rules" by Don Henley, which is played when Jennifer Jason Leigh first invites that virgin into her bedroom (a very uncomfortable scene that doesn't get enough credit by the way, it's right up there with the dozen phone calls that Mikey makes on that answering machine in Swingers, it's that hard to watch the virgin, ahem, blow his chance). There's even that great scene in "Fast Times" where Mike Damone tells virgin Mark Ratner to put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV when he's on his date, only to have Ratner screw up and play Kashmir from the "Physical Graffiti" album instead. The Wild Life, besides having Eddie Van Halen hit the axe for most of the movie, has "Who's Going to Break The Ice" by Peter Chase.

It should be noted that the movie's failure didn't exactly kill Chris Penn's career, although he obviously never scaled the heights that his chain smoking brother did. Later that year, he'd get to make an ass of himself with Kevin Bacon in Footloose, and of course got the role of a lifetime in Reservoir Dogs. But mostly, it was small roles in other obscure movies for Chris (one of which was in another of my all-time faves True Romance, but that movie's got Val Kilmer playing Elvis, Pitt doing the perfect stoner, James Gandolfini auditioning for his role as Tony Soprano, Dennis Hopper and Christopher Walken in a scene that only the two of them could pull off, and Sam Jackson talking about how much he likes to eat pussy. Plus Chris had to share almost all of screen time with Tom Sizemore, and you have to figure the crew took bets on which one of those two actors was going to die in real life first). So at least Chris (or Cameron Crowe for that matter) isn't remembered for The Wild Life. My hunch is the Chris Penn you always think about is the one in Reservoir Dogs, and one day today's youth will shout out, "Hey, Do you know that's Sean Penn's brother?" Which is exactly the point. The Wild Life signaled he was never going to get out of older brother's big shadow.

But here's some nice trivia on Chris. In attendance at his funeral were Robin Wright Penn, Sean Penn (wow, glad he could make the time), Mark Ruffalo, Jack Nicholson, James Gandolfini, Charlie Sheen, Tim Robbins, Tom Sizemore (he had to have said 400 Hail Mary's for it not being him in that casket) Robert Downey Jr. (see Tom Sizemore) and Michael Madsen. Chris also, according to his bio, drank only Bookers bourbon, and liked to drink in the afternoon at burlesque great Betty Rowland's 217 bar in Santa Monica, California. I'll bet Heath Ledger spent some time there, too.

Everyone will remember Nice Guy Eddie Cabot. Unless you watched Chris Penn eat that steak with his bare hands, and really loved The Wild Life.


Monday, February 18, 2008

As Sports Illustrated Used to Say, "This Week's Sign That the Apocolypse Is Upon Us"

I don't know how to put this gently, but, uhm, we've officially been wikipedia-ized. I encourage everyone to figure out how to add and edit that site early and often, because who knows how long it'll be up. Add all the Carrie Underwood pictures you want. Just more proof that, well, since I'm not on adorral yet, the World Herald Sucks

Friday, February 15, 2008

Some People Are Just Great Talk Show Guests

Some people are just meant to be talk show guests. Charles Grodin comes to mind. Dom DeLuise when Burt Reynolds or a fifth sandwich would appear. Norm McDonald, or that old dead guy who used to go on Letterman and talk candidly about the NFL. In other words, all entertaining folks, but for whatever reason they're at their best on Talk Shows. No one epitomizes this more than Martin Short. You can really only take him in REALLY small doses as he only has flashes of brilliance. He had a great one-year run on SNL, but really, what else has Marty Short given us? Wednesday night on Letterman, he pulled off a brilliant TMZ spoof (you have to to to about the 2:00 mark on the video above to watch). The photo shot of him with Steve Martin on the beach before isn't bad either. And as always with Short, he overstays his welcome after the TMZ short (I'm not wild about his little Lounge Singer act, something only Bill Murray could truly pull off, but I'd like to see Andy Dick give it a try).

Lots of talk about Carrie Underwood from the previous post, and I think the City of Blair, NE is about to hand the keys of the city to her really soon, especially if Bsmoked and Trees Trunk get the petition started. Well, turns out Old Man Henley has a thing for her too. Here's a phot of him offer young Carrie what seems to be a hot towel. In the interest of full disclosure, Henley's wife has been suffering with MS for quite sometime, something the man tries to keep very private so we'll honor that here. In other words, you can't be expected to close your eyes forever kids.


Thursday, February 14, 2008

Yeah, It's Been A Fun Week

We only wish we could take credit for this, but by now I'm sure you've all heard about Deadspin's wonderful coverage of the old Chris Berman tapes that weren't suitable for viewing (I mean, even now, youtube caved and put them down, but Deadspin refuses when it comes to Berman). If you haven't seen then, please by God, click here and watch them all now. Mackenzie said it best by acknowledging that Berman is now officially the REAL Hank Kingsley. My favorite bits:
  • "Dyuh, dyuh, dyuh's": Canadian aspirin with a little bit of codine in it just to give it a little pop. Berman was having a bad night and popped four of these during a Jets game. He says, "You always hope for at least one Blue Jay game a year" so he can stock up on these because their only $10 a bottle in Canada, but "here you gotta spend $100 and get a prescription." I mean, he literally tells you how to sneak it past the border. Yes, Mackenzie and I are planning a trip to Toronto for a Royals/Blue Jays and Jays/Yanks series later this summer.
  • The two truly Hank Kingsley-esque videos: One where Berman openly flirts with a young lady named Rebecca who's quitting, and then one where he goes over plans for two touring groups, one with a bunch of kids and one with senior citizens. I mean, these are right out of "Larry Sanders."

In other great news, our long national nightmare is over: Mike Sweeney is officially no longer a Royal. I was happier than the '72 Dolphins after this year's Super Bowl when I got the news. The only sad guy was that bastard Jimmy Gobble: "It's going to be sad when camp starts and Sweeney doesn't get up and give a motivational speech." Yeah Jimmy, because it worked so great over the past 10 years, didn't it? Sweeney made former Royals skipper Tony Muser demand the team go out and get drunk because he was tired of all the "milk and cookies shit." To which Muser got the somewhat original nickname "Milk and Cookies" and then got fired a few months later. The only bizarre thing about Sweeney's exit is where he's going: Oakland. I mean, this isn't the sort of thing Billy Beane would do. But he sure has picked the Royals pockets before (Johnny Damon, Jermaine Dye, the white courtesy phone please).

Now I just learned that last year, Beane banned booze from the A's clubhouse because of some rowdy off-the-field shit that spilled over after his team got liquored up after a game. I guess Mikey and his Milk and Cookies finally found his true home.

Oh, and uhm, it looks like poor Carrie Underwood has a stalker from Blair. And look who's coming to Omaha on May 14th.


Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Since nobody else is posting,,,hoy, thats good satire...

Huddlesfield, UK Excitement is growing in this northern England town following news that a local man saw an image of the Big Bang in a piece of toast. Thirty-six year old atheist Donald Chapman was sitting down for breakfast when an unusual toast pattern caught his eye.

"I was just about to spread the butter when I noticed a fairly typical small hole in the bread surrounded by a burnt black ring," Chapman told local newspaper The Huddlesfield Express. "However the direction and splatter patterns of the crumbs, as well as the changing shades emanating outwards from this black hole, were very clearly similar to the chaotic-dynamic non-linear patterns that one would expect following the Big Bang. It's the beginning of the world!" he added excitedly.

Ever since news of the discovery made national headlines, local hoteliers have been overwhelmed by an influx of atheists from all over the country who have flocked to Huddlesfield to catch a glimpse of the scientific relic. "I have always been an atheist and to see my life choices validated on a piece of toast is truly astounding," said one guest at the Huddlesfield Arms Hotel.

To the surprise of many, the U.K. Atheist Association has asked its members not to pay attention to the story despite its potential to inspire less faith. "Given what the religious believe already, this is an easy sell," said one disgruntled activist who said he was going to Huddlesfield anyway, noting that "seeing is not believing."

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Obscure Movie Of The Week: Real Men (1987)

When I first lived in the crack den with, among other degenerates, Jason Jorgensen, there were three things he always talked about: Jane's Addiction, Guns N' Roses, and a movie called Real Men (1987). I'd heard of the first two acts, of course, but he spoke so glowingly and passionately about the latter that he thought of it as the Citizen Kane of comedies. "It's the funniest thing I've ever seen....I can't believe YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT," he'd scream the only way he could at me. "We're renting it one night."

Turns out, his persistent pleas got the better of me, and I finally broke down and spent the worst $2.50 of my life to rent the video of the movie. I would have been better off giving a passerby the $2.50 for a Mickey's Big Mouth to go down the street and buy at Mum's Liquor than to endure what followed. Here's what happened: For the next 90 minutes, Jason laughed out loud non-stop, twice getting to the point where he was doing one of those out-of-breath, begging the movie to stop because the laughter on TV from James Belushi and the late John Ritter was about to kill him. I spent more time watching Jason than I did the movie. I still to this day can't tell you anything about Real Men, what it's about, only that it was some buddy movie where I didn't laugh once.

That didn't bother Jason at all, he was having the time of his life. And to this day, Jason is still the only person in my life I've ever come across who not only knows this movie exists, but has such a devout love and passion for it that the rest of us do for comedies like Caddyshack , Blazing Saddles and now Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. I'll forever have Jason to thank for getting me into Jane's Addiction and a few other things we'll save for another post. But I'll never understand how he found such a big soft spot in his heart for Real Men. CLICK TO READ ENTIRE POST!

Friday, February 08, 2008

Obscure Movie of the week: My Bodyguard

This is another classic movie that nearly everyone has forgotten. 1980's "My Bodyguard featured a young Matt Dillon who at the time had a rebilish reputation after 1979's Over the Edge. Also starring Adam Baldwin, who had studied for this role by getting the shit beat out of him by older brother Daniel. also starring a young and unknown Joan Cussack. The lead actor though is a Chris Makepeace, who I believe was molested by Bill Murray in 1979's Meatballs. The classic line from this masterpiece is when Matt Dillon finally get's his in the end and cries to young makepiece "You Broke My Nose". The best trivia though from this film is it featured a Tom Reilly who would go on to create the worlds largest gay and lesbian online community and a Hot Young Jennifer Beals, pre flashdance, who would later become everyones favorite lesbian on Showtimes "The L word"


Wednesday, February 06, 2008

More New Blood Coming In

"Bsmokedy Turkey, you're my older brother, and I love you. But don't ever take sides with anyone against the Blog again. Ever."

For the Vince Vaughn Fanboys

Some may freely admit it. Some may do it grudgingly. Some may deny it. But my guess is that 99% of this site's regular visitors harbor the same fantasies about Vince Vaughn that Seth Rogen did in Knocked Up (which, as an aside, is the best movie ever made on the subject knocked upidness):

Ben: "That's awesome. Do you know Vince Vaughn? Have you ever met him?"
Alison: "No."
Ben: "I really feel like we'd get along well. I just-- He seems like a fun guy I feel like we'd hang together well."
Alison: "Mmm-hmm."
Ben: "I feel like he'd like me. You know, I'm sure a lot of guys are like, 'Oh, I'd like to hang out with that celeb', but I really think he would want to hang out with me, is like the cool thing."
Alison: "I'm sure he would. Yeah."

So up for disection is Vince Vaughn's iTunes celebrity playlist:
  • Bang A Gong (Get It On)-T. Rex
  • Honkey Tonk Man-Dwight Yoakum
  • Streets of Bakersfield-Dwight Yoakum and Buck Owens
  • Viva Las Vegas-Elvis Presley
  • (Ghost) Riders in the Sky -Johnny Cash
  • Okie From Muskogee-Merle Haggard
  • Get Rhythm-Johnny Cash
  • Honky Tonkin'-Hank Williams
  • Georgia On My Mind-Willie Nelson
  • I Said (Paridise Reprise)-Dwight Yoakum
  • Promised Land-Chuck Berry
  • Mama Tried-Merle Haggard
  • On the Road Again-Willie Nelson

I couldn't figure out how to copy and paste his actual comments on each song but I think you can click here if you're interested.

Fuck you, Lou Grant.




Blair Court News Of The Week

Mary Beth Thallas, 34, No address given, Disturbing the peace, $50 fine.

It should be noted that Mary Beth's older brother, Nick, is a member of Blair's finest. Let the speculation begin...

Again, How'd We Miss THIS Guy in The Death Pool

You know that song "Sexy Sadie" that John Lennon wrote on the "White Album", about a guy who Lennon found to be a bit of a buffoon/con artist and really only cared about getting laid? Well, he finally died, and like Sam the Butcher, I figured he departed about 15 years ago.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

The Unemployable and Could Be Royals

Pitchers and catchers can't report soon enough, if for nothing else, just so I can stop worrying about whether or not I'm going to see Chuck Knoblauch on a milk carton (No worries, Chucky won't be in Florida or Arizona in a few weeks trying to make a comeback). Trees Trunk has compiled a list of MLB players who still haven't found a home yet. The Kansas City Royals history of bringing in older players in the twilight of their careers suggests they're better off just hiring a dog to do dishes instead of actual players attempting a comeback (Juan Gonzalez would be, oh, just one). But some warrant some consideration:
  • Barry Bonds: He'd never want to take a roster spot from a more deserving young player. You know how Bonds is, that's just how he rolls.
  • Kris Benson: He of course is married to that little minx Anna Benson, who once famously said that if Kris ever cheated on her, she'd sleep with every one of his teammates. Sure, that's when he was a Met, but this would make Jared Allen try out for the Royals. Joey Gathright would have Kris down at Westport every night trying to get him to cheat on his wife. Plus, Benson would be good for 9 wins, which could lead the team.
  • Bartolo Colon: Make all the fat jokes you want, but the man also eats up innings. Royals brass could fool fans into thinking he's C. C. Sabathia. Might give Jason Whitlock an interest in the Royals for a change.
  • Shawn Chacon: Real straight shooter with a lot of class. But I don't want him.
  • Tony Clark: Gave last year's Diamondback team the slogan, "Anybody, Anytime." He might allow Anna Benson to borrow that slogan for a small fee.
  • Shawn Green: He can miss all the Yom Kippur's he wants, the Royals will be mathematically eliminated months before the actual day.
  • Kenny Lofton: He could fall into a sewer pipe and come up holding a gold watch in each hand. That's gotta be why he's played for 10 Major League Teams. The Royals won't be #11.
  • Kyle Lohse: Just like those ESPN College Basketball Commercials where Jay Bilas' head grows out of someone's shoulder, they could do some similar creepy Royals promos with Lohse's head on Zach Greinke's left shoulder and the devil Fred Flintstone on his right shoulder.
  • Kevin Mench: Ah, the guy who wore size 12 shoes for half of his life, had a nagging toe injury, and finally figured out he needed a size 12 1/2 shoe, which made at least two ESPN Baseball Announcers proclaim Mench as "Breakout Player of the Year." Is also the best friend of Keith David, who was in Road House. Might be enough for Bsmoked Turkey to buy season tickets.
  • Doug Mientkiewicz: We've tried this before, and for all the acclaim the guy gets for his glove, well...he aint Keith Hernandez. Also a bit of a thief.
  • Trot Nixon: Seems to have found Jesus, and as we learned from Mike Sweeney, that just doesn't take in this clubhouse. God hates the Royals.
  • Corey Patterson: Nicknamed "Korey" with the Cubs because he struck out all the time. I say give him a shot, go gangster and nickname him Korey with a backwards K.
  • Mike Piazza: If the Royals need somebody to burn ants with a magnifying glass to kill time, they'll give you a call Mike. But if you can't catch at least 100 games, we got nothin'.
  • Sammy Sosa: I didn't know that family and friends refer to him as "Mikey". Not because he hit all those home runs from Life Cereal, but his grandma, "heard the name on a soap opera she liked and decided from that moment on (he) would be Mikey." The Royals already had "Mikey" Sweeney when they could have signed Johnny Damon or Carolsy Beltran to an extension. But they chose Mikey. Can't make the same mistake twice.
  • Shannon Stewart: I can't reveal my sources, but when he was with the Twins, let's just say he was a little self-indulgent when it came to the office supplies. 'Nuff said.
  • Ron Villone: Nicknamed "Suitcase" because of his many teams. Funny, nobody calls Kenny Lofton, "Suitcase". If he played for that many teams, he needs a better nickname.
  • David Wells: Turns out he likes to sit in the dugout and speculate on which players are on steroids. He does a lot of other things too. Just give the guy an invite to Spring Training, he'll become my current favorite Royal. Plus imagine him with Kris Benson.
  • Preston Wilson: Is both the nephew and stepson of Mookie Wilson (Mookie married Preston's mother after his brother fathered Preston). What is this, Chinatown? Is Jack Nicholson gonna slap Faye Dunaway around at Kauffman Stadium to hear her yell, "She's my daughter AND my sister"?
  • Mike Sweeney: Is probably the nicest guy in the world. But sorry Mikey, it's over. He's just going to have to settle for volunteering at the Bingo.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Obscure Movie of the Week: Playing For Keeps

In an on-going weekly segment we'll have here on this post (and frankly, it's something we'll hope that brings Bsmoked & Mackenzie to write maybe a column or two a year), this one's in honr of Travis RoastBeef, who's been trying to find this movie like Jake Gittes in Chinatown trying to figure up why Faye Dunaway's character is so fucked up. Leave it to Mackenzie to finally find this movie: Playing for Keeps (1986). A movie I literally never knew existed, but now it seems to have quite a history a part from Travis' love for it:
  • Really the film debut for future Oscar-winner Playing for Keeps, and they seem to now market whatever market there is for the movie around her appearance (in fact, she's billed , "And introducing Marisa Tomei as Tracy!"
  • Written by a couple of guys named Bob Weinstein and Harvey Weinstein, who would later start Miramax films and make way for the great movies we love of the 1990's.
  • Not a good movie, and if you look at the trailer at this link, it's likened obviously to Footloose and Satisfaction (no, not the Stones song, the Julia Roberts/Justine Bateman flick).
  • Has your typical cheesy 80's soundtrack of songs, including the obiquitous "I'm So Excited" by the Pointer Sisters, and what would be considered throaway songs from the likes of Peter Frampton, Pete Townshend, Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark(that's OMD, yeah you know me, to those in the know), and, hold on...wait for it, wait for it....Phil Collins.
  • Uhm....other than that, it's really a movie that Travis RoastBeef and three other people remember.

Interestingly enough, it's up 33% on the movie meter, which is WAAAY higher than Heath Ledger's. Which means Travis has some serious pull, becuase this means way too many people have been trying to find this movie. I frankly have nothing else to add to this mess, other than to say there's an imdb poster named OKCRay who has this shoutout for Travis:

"I have a copy of the PLAYING FOR KEEPS soundtrack on CD, and most of the songs have either "play for keeps" or "playing for keeps" somewhere in the lyrics."

Don't worry, Husker signing day is Tuesday, we'll have some coverage there and we'll go back to regularly scheduled programming then. But nominations for next week's movie of the week (and Trav, feel free to write next week's edition) are being accepted now.