Tuesday, February 05, 2008

The Unemployable and Could Be Royals

Pitchers and catchers can't report soon enough, if for nothing else, just so I can stop worrying about whether or not I'm going to see Chuck Knoblauch on a milk carton (No worries, Chucky won't be in Florida or Arizona in a few weeks trying to make a comeback). Trees Trunk has compiled a list of MLB players who still haven't found a home yet. The Kansas City Royals history of bringing in older players in the twilight of their careers suggests they're better off just hiring a dog to do dishes instead of actual players attempting a comeback (Juan Gonzalez would be, oh, just one). But some warrant some consideration:
  • Barry Bonds: He'd never want to take a roster spot from a more deserving young player. You know how Bonds is, that's just how he rolls.
  • Kris Benson: He of course is married to that little minx Anna Benson, who once famously said that if Kris ever cheated on her, she'd sleep with every one of his teammates. Sure, that's when he was a Met, but this would make Jared Allen try out for the Royals. Joey Gathright would have Kris down at Westport every night trying to get him to cheat on his wife. Plus, Benson would be good for 9 wins, which could lead the team.
  • Bartolo Colon: Make all the fat jokes you want, but the man also eats up innings. Royals brass could fool fans into thinking he's C. C. Sabathia. Might give Jason Whitlock an interest in the Royals for a change.
  • Shawn Chacon: Real straight shooter with a lot of class. But I don't want him.
  • Tony Clark: Gave last year's Diamondback team the slogan, "Anybody, Anytime." He might allow Anna Benson to borrow that slogan for a small fee.
  • Shawn Green: He can miss all the Yom Kippur's he wants, the Royals will be mathematically eliminated months before the actual day.
  • Kenny Lofton: He could fall into a sewer pipe and come up holding a gold watch in each hand. That's gotta be why he's played for 10 Major League Teams. The Royals won't be #11.
  • Kyle Lohse: Just like those ESPN College Basketball Commercials where Jay Bilas' head grows out of someone's shoulder, they could do some similar creepy Royals promos with Lohse's head on Zach Greinke's left shoulder and the devil Fred Flintstone on his right shoulder.
  • Kevin Mench: Ah, the guy who wore size 12 shoes for half of his life, had a nagging toe injury, and finally figured out he needed a size 12 1/2 shoe, which made at least two ESPN Baseball Announcers proclaim Mench as "Breakout Player of the Year." Is also the best friend of Keith David, who was in Road House. Might be enough for Bsmoked Turkey to buy season tickets.
  • Doug Mientkiewicz: We've tried this before, and for all the acclaim the guy gets for his glove, well...he aint Keith Hernandez. Also a bit of a thief.
  • Trot Nixon: Seems to have found Jesus, and as we learned from Mike Sweeney, that just doesn't take in this clubhouse. God hates the Royals.
  • Corey Patterson: Nicknamed "Korey" with the Cubs because he struck out all the time. I say give him a shot, go gangster and nickname him Korey with a backwards K.
  • Mike Piazza: If the Royals need somebody to burn ants with a magnifying glass to kill time, they'll give you a call Mike. But if you can't catch at least 100 games, we got nothin'.
  • Sammy Sosa: I didn't know that family and friends refer to him as "Mikey". Not because he hit all those home runs from Life Cereal, but his grandma, "heard the name on a soap opera she liked and decided from that moment on (he) would be Mikey." The Royals already had "Mikey" Sweeney when they could have signed Johnny Damon or Carolsy Beltran to an extension. But they chose Mikey. Can't make the same mistake twice.
  • Shannon Stewart: I can't reveal my sources, but when he was with the Twins, let's just say he was a little self-indulgent when it came to the office supplies. 'Nuff said.
  • Ron Villone: Nicknamed "Suitcase" because of his many teams. Funny, nobody calls Kenny Lofton, "Suitcase". If he played for that many teams, he needs a better nickname.
  • David Wells: Turns out he likes to sit in the dugout and speculate on which players are on steroids. He does a lot of other things too. Just give the guy an invite to Spring Training, he'll become my current favorite Royal. Plus imagine him with Kris Benson.
  • Preston Wilson: Is both the nephew and stepson of Mookie Wilson (Mookie married Preston's mother after his brother fathered Preston). What is this, Chinatown? Is Jack Nicholson gonna slap Faye Dunaway around at Kauffman Stadium to hear her yell, "She's my daughter AND my sister"?
  • Mike Sweeney: Is probably the nicest guy in the world. But sorry Mikey, it's over. He's just going to have to settle for volunteering at the Bingo.


Gepetto said...

We're in the same boat as you, but yeah -- it's never rewarding to be on the Royal's radar...although Gil Meche worked out quite nicely.

Great post.

Cornelius said...

From Deadspin:
BY PHONY GWYNN AT 02:27 PM Re: the free-agent post: Whoa, whoa, whoa - Kevin Mench and Keith David are best fucking friends?!? How have I never heard of this? The fight scene in They Live has new meaning now.

TravisRoastBeef said...

The more I think about it, the Royals signing all these has beens would probably be a good Ideal. At least they would look like they have a plan, god knows anytime a young player in their system develops he's gone quicker then Mary Bethe Thallas can drop her pants, so what's the point?

Anonymous said...

That's Hilarious!! I wouldn't bet on it tho ... She's pretty fast!! :)