How To Stop The Husker Titanic From Officially Sinking

If there were any tall buildings in Nebraska, there'd be a serious suicide watch in the state right now. There are really only two ways out of this mess, and one my require Photoshop so Travis if you're paying attention, we may need you:

1. Go Larry Eustachy on Stevie P and Billy C. Have some fraternity or better yet sorority or even BETTER an off campus party at the likes of 22nd and R Street. Chances are slim to none that you won't get either of our boys there, but both have "moral clauses" in their contracts. A few shots of these guys doing Jello Shots, Jagger Bombs and Callahan licking whip cream off some little hotties chest, problem solved.
2. The more likely scenario. I'm guessing Harvey Pearlman opened his Outlook today and counted something over 1,000 new messages, most of them from donors and boosters saying their cancelling checks and won't donate another penny until that rat bastard Pederson is gone. And he'll probably have to find a way to get rid of Scott Peterson too. Here's the perfect way to bring back immediate goodwill and unite the fan base: Buy out Pederson (and Scott), and announce that Tom Osborne is the new Athletic Director of the University of Nebraska. Hell, it doesn't even MATTER if TO is qualified for the gig. Bob Devaney spent the last 15 years of that job getting shitfaced and going to the Sidetracks on gamedays. It didn't matter. Giving the AD role to Devaney was the right thing to do, just like Wisconsin did with Barry Alvarez. I criticized TO when his team's would stink up the joint to the Florida schools, but the man eventually figured it out and ended his career in a way that can only be compared to The Sopranos final season. Both left on top, both left with their A game clearly in place, and both probably could have gone two more years dominating their professions. I have no idea what TO's health is, I know he's smarting from losing the Governor race, and it's public knowledge that he is still absolutely livid about how Pederson handled the Solich thing. As one former coach told me, "Osborne's got the memory of a fucking elephant. He'll bring up every single time you fucked up, even if it was minor, just to make sure he didn't forget." Becoming AD for Nebraska right now would be even BIGGER than being elected Governor, if you can believe that. After TO's announced as AD, things will start falling into place. Perhaps Billy C feels the noose tighter and thinks being Offensive Coordinator for the Rams is a good idea. Maybe Bo Pellini petitions again to come back to Lincoln.

Whatever the case, David Bowie is right: It's not really work, it's just the power to charm. Stevie P and Billy C have lost that power. Even if TO turned into Bob Hope in his latter years, he'd still have that power over the state of Nebraska.