Thursday, January 24, 2008

They're Dropping Like Flies

So we get a flurry of dead celebrities in the past week, and now everyone (everyone = Travis Roast Beef) claims they had at least one of these departed in the Death Pool. Travis lies like I play the french horn. He's now claiming to have picked an Ambien-stricken Heath Ledger over a year ago. Time to go to the tale of the tape on the new corpses:
  • Heath Ledger: Nobody had this guy pulling an Anna Nicole-Smith, not with the likes of Andy Dick and Colin Farrell still hanging around. All indications were that this guy was on the fast track to becoming another Leonardo DiCaprio, especially with a huge role as The Joker in the upcoming Batman movie (all of the scenes with Ledger are in the can and the movie is more or less ready to go, so no worries as far as The Dark Knight is concerned). Turns out Heath let loose in interviews that he was like the Ed Norton character in Fight Club, in that he couldn't sleep, so he went to the Ambien card. One Ambien is enough to knock you out all night (although former Husker All-American Jason Peter admitted to taking 20 Ambien once, along with Vicodin, and somehow lived through it and is doing fine now). Now Ledger's legacy is that he became a star for playing a Gay Cowboy. I probably wouldn't sleep either if I kept having flashbacks of making out with Jake Gyllenhaal. Plus, now it turns out he used to date that little minx Naomi Watts. It's all downhill from there kids. At any rate, nobody had this guy in the death pool. No way. (Oh, that same group that wanted to picket the victims of the Omaha Van Maur Shooting intends to do the same at Ledger's funeral. God must hate that group.)
  • Suzanne Pleshette: Somebody's probably been picking her in the pool ever since 1975, when her raspy voiced suggested somebody who was absolutely in LOVE with cigarettes. Best known for "The Bob Newhart Show" and the final episode of "Newhart". Turns out she got some face time with Hitchcock in The Birds. Decided after 40 years to finally marry Tom Poston in 2001. They've both gone to their great reward now (I for one had Tom Poston in the death pool when he was doing "Grace Under Fire"). No picket groups scheduled at her wake or funeral, but I'm guessing her friends from Marlboro will at least send some nice flowers.
  • Allan Melvin: Sorry, thought he died like 15 years ago. Best known as Sam the Butcher on "The Brady Bunch." Never got anywhere with Alice. Didn't even seem to really like Alice. I think he only visited the house occasionally so he could beat his meat to visions of Marcia.
  • Bobby Fischer: Wow, who knew that THIS was the happiest guy in the world on September 11, 2001. I figured he was just some really good chess player. I guess he was that, but he's also the guy who went on a Philippine radio station on 9/11 and said, "Fuck the United States, fuck the Jews, the Jews are a criminal people, they mutilate their children, they are murderous, criminal, thieving, lying, bastards. They made up the Holocaust, there's not a word of truth to it. They are the worst liars and bastards. And now, what goes around, comes around, they're getting it back, finally. Praise God... Hallelujah, this is a wonderful day. Fuck the United States. Cry, you crybabies! Whine, you bastards!" And yet people want to picket poor Heath Ledger's funeral.
  • Georgia Frontiere: Forever known as the first female to own an NFL team. I figured she went the way of Marge Schott about the same time Marge Schott bit the bullet. Had 7 husbands, one of whom gave her ownership of the Rams only to eventually get whacked by the mafia for not paying gambling debts (and they say the mob isn't involved with the NFL). She was the one who moved the Rams out of Los Angeles to her home town of St. Louis. Also made Dick Vermeil cry like a baby, but a lot of people has that on their resume. Lawrence Phillips took a lot of her money, put it all in a trash bag and threw it off some bridge. The woman lived a full life, but shame on us for not picking her in our little pool.
  • Brad Renfro: If anyone wants to make an argument that they had Renfro in the death pool, I'll listen because it seems as if he was destined to go very young. Didn't leave behind the most impressive body of work (although he was in one of my favorite movies, Ghost World). But let's just agree to not call Renfro or even Ledger for that matter "another James Dean." Jimmy Dean only did three movies, and all three are considered classics. Renfro was in a movie called Coat Pockets. His dying wouldn't have paid out all that much.


Vince Ferragamo said...

Georgia Frontiere cud suck the chrome off a Chrysler

TravisRoastBeef said...

I am kicking myself for not having Bobby Fischer pegged, living alone in Iceland in itself is reason to be on the list, but an irrational hatred for jews and americans gnawing at you everyday..this guy had heart failure all over it.

BSmokedTurkey said...

Good news-I discovered that using the name Nick Cordle makes him visit your site and serously consider commenting on it.

Dirtylaundry said...

Would he like to become a regular contributor to the site as well, since two people here are members of the Writers Guild and still on strike?

Mac G said...

Can I put money on Mike Tyson, OJ, and Mary Kate Olson?

Dirtylaundry said...

Is Mary Kate the one who was buddies with Heath?

I can't think of any form of death that would pay out for Tyson dying. He'd have to be gagged by racist cops ala Pulp Fiction, escape and get killed while trying to save Bruce Willis in order for you to make money on Tyson's death.

J.D Sallinger said...

I hate these death pools, year after year my name keeps coming up, get over it people Ima live foreva yo!