Never Trust the Crab Legs at the Mirage

Our favorite video of the year, only it's from 2003. And our salt throwing folks from you tube can't stop us. This was on their site earlier today only to disappear some hours later. But that won't stop us from keeping something like this from the public, something you didn't know you wanted to see until today. Please stay with the video for the entire clip, it's already a classic. Proof that George Brett is the greatest (s)hitter who ever lived.

George has always known his shit, and this video only enhances his legendary status in our book. It's almost like Brett was dressed in full uniform for a spring training game ten years after he retired just so he could tell that true story. Just enjoy, and be more satisfied the next time you think you should feel guilty about taking that double tapered shit. CLICK TO READ ENTIRE POST!

The Pine Tar Game Redux

Nobody ever celebrates the anniversary of Robin Ventura charging the mound against Nolan Ryan, only to have the Ryan Express head lock Ventura and repeatedly punch him on the noggin. I can't even tell you the year it was when future Cub Randall Simon tapped that Brewers mascot with a bat, only to have said mascot fall to the ground as if he was struck by an assassin's bullet. We'd like to think it's because neither of those moments featured a batshit crazy future Hall of Famer with murder in his eyes exploding on a home plate umpire. There are a number of reasons that every year on this day, a seemingly meaningless game between two teams who weren't going to impact any sort of pennant race is celebrated and remembered as one of the lasting images in Major League Baseball History. Oh, and July 24th is also this guy's birthday, although he was old enough in 1983 to have remembered the fireworks at Yankee Stadium.

July 24th is the day when all the sports-talk radio stations go out of their way to secure George Brett and Rich "Goose" Gossage as guests, and try to be clever by bringing in Umpire Tim McClelland in the middle of the interview, as his presence is somehow going to inspire Brett to go all Hulk on him again. It does cause the Kansas City Star to run a great piece on the game, a rare great article that's not written by someone with the last name Posnanski or Whitlock. But as Brett himself says (every year I might add), "It was just some game in late July." Oh but it had quite an ending, thanks to this cast of characters:

• George Brett: Thorn in Yankee's ass for many years; clutch performer who almost stole the pennant from Yanks from 1976-78, and actually did so in 1980; seemingly the last person in the world you'd expect to draw the wrath of washed-up slugger George Scott who, during his brief 44 games with the Royals in the last year of his career, couldn't comprehend why a future Hall-of-Famer was wearing number 5 instead of him; ironically, got along well with the late George C. Scott and rather enjoyed his movies; caused many sleepless nights for Royals Groundskeeper George Toma for spitting tobacco all over the then astro-turf of the then Royals Stadium; actually used the Pine-Tar bat during games a few weeks after the July 23rd game; one of the few, brave people in the world who at one pont in time went on the record in declaring Rush Limbaugh a "friend" (although he did use his fingers to make quotation marks when referencing him as a "friend").
• Richard "Goose" Gossage: Gave up pennant-deciding Home Run to Brett at Yankee Stadium in 1980; used to get teased ruthlessly by teammates Mickey Rivers and Thurman Munson whenever he'd come in to close a game during the remarkable 1978 season about how he'd find a way to blow the lead; is flat out confused as to why closers today only pitch one-inning; first assignment from Manager Billy Martin upon joining the Yankees was to throw at a batter's head in a spring training game; probably doesn't exchange holiday cards with former teammate Cliff Johnson, who he got into a fight with during the 1979 season, costing him playing time.
• Billy Martin: Wild, ornery bastard who really bares little resemblance to actor John Turturo, who portrayed him in an ESPN mini-series last year; even though he died on Christmas Day, 1989, is still legally drunk; assumed every big league manager went out to a local dive after a tough loss and called the team's owner convicted and star player a liar; started "Billy Ball" while managing Oakland, a concept that was designed to do nothing else but kill the arms of the entire A's pitching staff; lost a lot of money in the afterlife on how long it would take long time buddy Mickey Mantle to join him among the departed (Billy had two years tops, but in his defense, nobody thought it would take the Mick nearly 6 years after Martin died to finally join him).
• Graig Nettles: Perhaps the most over-rated Yankee player ever, who gets a little too much credit for making dramatic dives on catches in the 1978 World Series; can't understand why everyone else in the world named "Greg" doesn't use an "ai" when spelling their first name; was always a bit of a prick towards Brett; knows a thing or two about cheating, as he was caught using a bat that was loaded with six superballs inside of it during the 1974 season; threw virtually all of his teammates and George Steinbrenner under the bus in his memoirs, then was promptly traded to San Diego where he was forced to wear those McDonald's brown and mustard uniforms with Gossage; claimed to spend his childhood dreaming of either being in the circus or playing baseball.
• Tim McClelland: Widely regarded as one of the best "balls & strikes" umpires in the game, yet somehow fell for all of Martin's voodoo charms on July 24, 1983 (which is all the more remarkable given Martin's almost daily ability to start fights with umpires); surreally was the homeplate umpire for Sammy Sosa's corked bat game too; scares nightmares into current Royals pitcher Zack Greinke because he's "so tall"; spent many moments over the past 25 years wondering how he -- being 6-6, 250, wearing a chest protector and holding a baseball bat -- could see his life flash before his eyes when a bug-eyed Brett charged from the dugout.
• Hal McRae: Has more pent-up anger than should be allowed, justified when considering Paul Molitor and Edgar Martinez get all the credit in the world for being the best designated hitters ever when Hal was really the first really great one; has a son, Brian, who, when being thrown at during a game against the Texas Rangers in 1993 opted to charge the entire Ranger dugout instead of the pitcher; had his own moment of complete anger while managing the Royals, pulling a phone out of the wall and throwing towards Royals beat writers following a loss to Detroit; even with great moments of rage, was tossed from a game (at Yankee Stadium no less) in early 1993 and did nothing but silently walk back to the dugout; stood calmly on the on-deck circle while Brett rounded the bases after his homer in the Pine Tar Game, only to wait for his moment to steal Brett's bat during the melee that followed; is extremely irate that Jose Guillen now wears his #11 for Kansas City.
• Gaylord Perry: Gets more excited in admitting that he threw a spitball than somebody with the name Gaylord really should; was so enamored with his use of the spitball that he himself approached the creators of Vaseline, begging them to hire him as an endorser; used to attend old-timers games wearing a jersey with the logo of all eight teams he pitched for; seemed to be pitching in 1983 if for no other reason than to see a moment like a raged George Brett barrel out of the Yankee Stadium dugout, so he could then play hot potato with McRae and the pine tar bat in question; doesn't like it when you confuse him with "Jim" Perry, a starting pitcher from the same era.

And Brett has his legendary you tube moment, the game has it's own wikipedia page, and every year this gives the sports world something to talk about on July 24th. We can also be thankful that this moment happened in a pre-Sportscenter world (or at least the way Sportscenter is now). The media would have called for Brett's head, likened him to Ron Artest for his violent outburst, and branded him a cheater, despite the fact that then American League President Lee MacPhail would over-rule Martin and McClelland and credit Brett with a home run and oh by the way, get back to Yankee Stadium and finish this little game.

The only downside of this moment is that it overshadows the real Brett/Gossage confrontation, one that occurred three years earlier in Game 3 of the American League Championship series. Same result -- Brett with a bomb to right field -- but this time, the game actually meant something. It decided the first pennant for the Royals.

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DL Yankee Stadium Stop (Special Tornado Free Edition): Jose Guillen Will Not Be Satisfied Until He Is Deemed King

I'm sure nobody is aware of this quite yet, but the mainstream media will very soon let everyone in on the little secret that this is the final season for the (hated) Yankees at Yankee Stadium. They've got themselves a brand new space, right next to the current one, which will be all set for Opening Day, 2009. But of course, it won't BE Yankee Stadium, even if that's what some will attempt to call it. The chance to finally see my beloved Royals in person at the old ballpark was something that couldn't be missed, even though I firmly believed I would be the only one amongst the fans openly rooting for the Royals. Which would make Yankee fans Mike Scossia, and me Jose Guillen in this relationship. I was already starting to feel that Guillen was a misunderstood baseball star, and confused that Yankee fan would possibly find that odd.

Sitting close to the field on Friday night, I felt the disconnect immediately. Amongst the legions of beautiful women who were there wanting to hand Derek Jeter their hotel room keys (more on him later) and the intense Yankee faithful who couldn't justify how New York could even play the Royals close, I got the early suspicion that I definitely could have been the only person in that building happy the Royals were winning, unless Kyle Davis had his family sitting up in the cheap seats, and if that were the case, one of them would have been thrown down to the field by the time Davies came out to pitch the 6th inning. A Yankee fan who had been a season ticket holder for years -- but is officially resigning that status when the Yanks move to their new digs next year -- had no problem with fans of the visiting team visiting the old ballpark. There was just one rule. "Don't come in here and try to take over the building and act like it's your own," he said. "You know, like Boston does." In other words, don't fuck with them, they won't fuck with you.

I understood that completely. In fact, I even said out loud, "Ahh, you mean like HUSKER fan." How Husker fan travels to almost every road football game, and tries to be like Red Sox fan at Yankee Stadium. No wonder Notre Dame was so pissed when the "Sea of Red" hit South Bend in 2000. No wonder Missouri and Kansas thought they won National Titles just by destroying the Red when they'd beat them in their home stadiums. And the other key factor that differs from, say, Memorial Stadium: Don't expect the Yankee faithful to offer some polite applause should the Yankees win big. Winning's expected, and if your team somehow wins, for crying out loud, don't poke the bear.

As I've always maintained, even through the multiple losing skids, this is a different Royals team. The roll-over and accept it Mike Sweeney days are in the rear view mirror. This team is at least going to show signs of at least trying. And the Royals during the Sweeney "Milk & Cookies" era were especially dreadful at Yankee Stadium (How bad? How about 6-33 going back to 1998). This was especially disappointing to me considering the fact that my all-time greatest sports moment happened at Yankee Stadium. Game 3 of the 1980 American League Championship Series, when George Brett hit that first-pitch, towering shot in the upper-deck to finally get the Royals past the Yanks and win their first pennant. And things started well on Friday as KC led 2-0 going into the 7th, witch the aforementioned Kyle Davies still in the game. The Yanks would scrap another run to chase Davies, but with the white hot Joakim Soria fresh, unfazed and ready to nail down an important win, I wasn't the least bit worried.

Which brings us back to Jeter. A great part of sitting right behind the Yanks on-deck circle (other than the satisfying visions of being able to pelt Johnny Damon with flashlight batteries if I chose to, and actually hit him), was to witness the magnitude of one Derek Jeter. The rest of the Yankee lineup spends their time in the on-deck circle doing what you'd expect. A few practice swings, trying to time a swing and step with the opposing pitcher. If you're Jason Giambi, you intently study the bat, all the time smiling at the fact that even though your pants are ripped and having to stay clear of any sort of pharmaceutical help as your game has somewhat suffered, you have peace of mind in knowing that nine-figure contract you signed in 2000 is guaranteed. But if you're the Shortstop Yankee Captain who everyone associates with the glory of winning four World Titles, well you veer through the crowd to see how many pretty girls you can make eye contact with. I got the sense that Jeter was the lead singer of a rock band, finding 5-7 women he shared a look with, and had a member of the road crew give them his card to hook up later at some private party. As Soria was mowing down the Yanks in the 9th, Jeter would have come up to win the game had Damon reached base to extend the game. But Derek only had eyes for a group Vince Vaughn would call, "Beautiful Babies". I'm sure Jeter would have figured he'd have another one of hid patented Yankee moments if he'd of had a chance. Not I. The way Soria was dealing, this was the Royals night.

This was confirmed as everyone filtered out of the game (with two full cold bottles of Budweiser no less, walking out with those in hand was no problem, and considering they were $9 a piece, nobody seemed to mind). First of all, instead of playing the usual Liza Minielli version of "New York, New York", which is traditionally what they do whenever the Yankees lose, the public address system played the SINATRA version instead. TWICE. It's established they only play Frank when they win. So this was a puzzler.

And outside, finally, Royals fans, in Royals gear, who couldn't have been more pleased to find one of their own, wondering who else would either make the trek from the Midwest in early June, or if a transplanted New Yorker could still keep bleeding Royal Blue. We were all so delighted, we hit a few Bronx Bars, toasting a multitude of shots that would carry through the wee hours in Manhattan. We Royal brethren stick together, and this was the sort of night where there weren't enough shots of booze to toast to. Trying to convert a German Lesbian even seemed to be in order.

By the way, the most hated man in baseball (and really, he wouldn't have it any other way) Jose Guillen went 2-4 (in the game, not at some Irish bar with German Lesbians later), with a double (he might have gone to 2nd base with a Royals fan who bore an uncanny resemblance to Katie Holmes for all I know -- yes, there was such a woman outside Yankee Stadium) and run scored. This was just a taste of what was to become an incredible weekend for Guillen.

Getting to Yankee Stadium required extra effort, which is what getting to bed at 6am THAT morning will do to you. Even if we would have been told before hand it would be perhaps the greatest baseball game one could ever hope to witness in person, making it for Andy Pettitte's first pitch was going to be a challenge. Former Husker Alex Gordon, who made some nice defensive plays on Friday night, got the day off because he was mired in a slump at the plate and it was around 97 degrees, which nobody in New York expected for early June. Newest Royal star Guillen was going to all but propel KC to an improbable win all by himself, and I felt like Babe Ruth as I called his game changing grand slam in the 7th inning.

The big highlight to come out of the game was that phony Johnny Damon becoming the first Yankee to ever collect 6 hits in one game at Yankee Stadium, including the game winner off of the previous unbeatable Soria. But the 7th inning for Kansas City was Guillen's coming out party (or again, maybe it was for some other German woman who liked what she saw from the previous night). Actually, Guillen had already hit a 2-run homer off of Pettitte in the first inning, and had an RBI single in the 3rd. I have no earthly idea what Pettitte, who had giving up the tying run earlier in inning, was still even DOING in the game to face Guillen. Pettite intentionally walked Mike "Seriously, I'm not going to have to pay to get into the Stadium to watch the game?" Aviles, hoping to get Mark Teahan to hit into a double play. Pettitte got the next best thing (getting Teahan, who frankly spends way too much time in that head of his, to strike out), but there was still the rather large problem of the batshit crazy Jose Guillen walking up to the plate with determination to plant one in the left field seats. It was one of those moments you could just feel happening. For one, Guillen just missed the grand slam, fouling one just a little left of the LF foul pole. And no way Pettitte would walk the lead run.

(No WAY Torre would have had Pettitte pitch to the Right Handed Guillen, who we've already established doesn't let anything get in the way of pissing off Yankee faithful with a killer grand slam. And wouldn't that moment, two-outs in the 7th, bases loaded with a power right handed bat at the plate, been a great time to bring in a stellar reliever? One who sparks insane levels of excitement in that building? One who would have clearly thrown his glove into the air, Jonathan Paplebon/Jesse Orosco style, if he would have struck Guillen out? Somebody like, oh, I don't know...JOBA???)

After calmly suggesting to the section we were in that Guillen was certainly going to plant one way over the left field fence, I got the sense many of them were feeling the same thing, and oddly enough not as upset about it as Yankee fan would normally be. (I blame the heat for this odd calmness from them. Also: Hank Steinbrenner, who everyone was clearly concerned about with this whole Joba experiment; a Grand Slam here and the "Joba would have been nice" cries would have been out in full force.) Because Jose takes delight in crushing baseballs and being able to cause hatred and vigor in as many people as possible, he did come through with the grand slam, giving the Royals a 10-6 lead and an excuse for some to get out of the heat (SOME, not many, Yankee fans understand the importance of staying for the entire game). Guillen had tied a club record with 7 RBI, and then went to Manager Trey Hillman and said, "I've done my part. Fuck this heat, I'm going to pick up some German Lesbians". Actually, Guillen had been shaken up by taking a ball off of his shin in the sixth, and was said to leave the game early to avoid further aggravation. I wouldn't be surprised if he just left the stadium without telling anybody, right after that Grand Slam.

What could have been a small two-game winning streak for the Royals (at Yankee Stadium no less) would turn into a game they'd give back to the Yankees three times, despite FINALLY getting to Mariano Rivera. A-Rod, Mr. June, would hit a two-run homer in the bottom of the inning, and 666 -- I mean Mr. 6-for-6 Johnny Damon would tie it in the 8th with a 2-run single.

We finally got to see one of the most famous reliever entrances in baseball history. We've had to suffer Joe Buck talking about what an amazing moment it is when Mariano Rivera casually walks out from the bullpen to Metallica's "Enter Sandman" on television for 10 years now. You understand the moment more in person, as the Jumbo-Tron follows Rivera right from the dugout, Rivera walks in perfect step with the music, and it's a moment which allows the 50,000+ crazed Yankee fans to get as loud as the student section of a college football game when the home teams scores a touchdown. But for me of course, I didn't find the moment amazing. I was downright concerned, because the Royals have NEVER hit Rivera. They notoriously swing at his first pitches, and he usually gets through an inning maybe throwing 9 pitches and wouldn't even break a sweat in this 97 degree heat.

David DeJesus, who speaks with an infliction that suggests he'd like to audition for a job as an evening news anchor in some medium sized market in Iowa, led things off. I was expecting the usual, DeJesus swinging at the first pitch, getting fooled on a Rivera cutter and grounding out softly to Jeter. And then sending his resume to a news director in Ames, IA. He swung at Rivera's first offering, as is always the case, and promptly homered to right field. The Royals had finally broken through against Rivera, unbelievably had the lead back, and were ready to bring in the next Rivera, Joakim Soria, in to nail down another win.

Rivera would breeze through the next three batters, throwing a total of 10 pitches. Then the unflappable Soria would pitch the bottom of the ninth. I was a bit stunned to hear the PA play both "Paper Bag" by Fiona Apple and "My Cherie Amour" by Stevie Wonder for Soria's entrance into the game, but he did walk very slow to the mound. Even more surprising was that the version of "My Cherie Amour" they played was the one Eddie Murphy and Stevie did back on Saturday Night Live in the early 1980's. People really seemed to like it though.

Soria wound up blowing his first save of the year, allowing "Hip Hip Jor-Hey" to homer and tie the game (Yankee fans are a little too in love with that nickname and chant, I will go to my grave thinking that Jorge really pronounces his name "GEORGE" and this is his way to fuck with everyone), and then Damon got hit number six to bring in the winning run. Yanks 12, Guillen/Royals 11. The Royals win that game, which they had in the bag three times, and they would have taken 3 of 4 at the Bronx. And Hank Steinbrenner would, how can we say this, been rather unhappy.

And that was the final game we went to of the four-game series, and frankly after getting to see the Royals win and get all we could out of the Saturday game, nothing could have topped either of those two games. Husker Fan couldn't believe we missed the Joba start on Sunday, but again, we didn't roll in until 6am (Saturday) and another member of the group decided to stay out that late AGAIN (Saturday night, going through Sunday morning). Plus it would top 100 Sunday, and for some reason the seats at Yankee Stadium aren't air conditioned. Although we hear some of the new ones at the new place definitely will be.

The Royals split the four game series. My new favorite player Guillen would personally see to that on Monday, hitting the game winning homer off of -- who else -- Rivera to give the Royals a 3-2 win. Over the long weekend, Guillen went 9 for 16 with 4 homers, 10 RBI and 6 runs scored, and probably hooked up with that Katie Holmes lookalike of a Royals fan who alluded my grasp on Friday night. In my defense, I was stunned that somebody in a Royals shirt could look that good; there was also a chance that she really WAS Katie Holmes, and the idea of having a brain washed Katie trying to explain to me the joys of Scientology over a wonderful but hot weekend in New York scared the living shit out of me. None of that would have fazed Jose Guillen, and he would have surely tapped that shit.

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José Guillen Got It Right (AND He's A Royal)

I've never found anything even remotely worth liking about José Guillen. He's been the 500-pound elephant that's invaded every team's clubhouse he's ever been in. And he famously tussled with one of my all-time favorite players, Hal McRae, when Guillen was a member of the (then) Tampa Bay Devil Rays, managed by Hal. Who would have thought that Guillen would be the one to finally do for the Royals the very needed thing that hadn't been done since...Hal McRae?

Keep in mind, I'm still trying to get past the fact that Guillen found out how to speak fluent English. I never could get past the idea of Guillen showing up for his first press conference at Kaufman Stadium, wearing uniform #11 for the Royals, a number which Hal wore as both a player and manager for the team. After learning about Guillen's surly past, I figured it was his way of sticking it to Hal. There's a part of me that still thinks that. In fact, when a reporter brought up the fact that Guillen was wearing the number donned by McRae for years, he seemed overjoyed, despite their checkered past. I don't think it's slanderous in anyway to suggest that Guillen is a major prick. EVERYONE swears by this. He might be the one guy you can say, without reservation, has a worse reputation than Barry Lamar Bonds. I know some who really like Barry. I can't find anybody who takes a liking to Guillen. Dayton Moore was besieged by anyone to avoid the guy like the plague last winter, when he wanted to throw that stupid money at him. It was almost like Dayton knew he was auditioning for Ned Beatty's role in Deliverance, knew he was going to get ass-raped, and went ahead and enjoyed it.

I defended the signing of Guillen, similar to the signing of Gil Meche. Mostly this is because I subscribe to the idea that the Royals absolutely have to overpay for free agents, especially free agents who wouldn't get that sort of money from any other team. It's the only way the Royals can be taken seriously when they want to attract GOOD free agents, let alone keep some of their younger players to long term deals. I defended Guillen when he struggled mightily at the plate, as whispers that turned into screams suggested that being off steroids had brought Guillen down to earth. He has a canon for an arm in right field, something the Royals defense desperately needed. I had him penciled in for .265/33 HR/110 RBI with an on-base percentage around .365 and a slugging percentage north of .500. Not numbers that justify the contract Dayton Moore got him to autograph, but hell it'd be at least SOMETHING.

Now I'm again José Guillen's biggest supporter, because last night's infamous tirade was worth the entire free agent contract. The Royals haven't had an outburst like that since Hal McRae legendarily ripped phones out of a wall and tossed them at foolish beat writers. That was in May, 1993. That Royals team went on to win, and frankly win big at times. Not enough to win the (then) American League West, which was clearly going to be taken by MVP Frank Thomas and the White Sox. The Royals finished 3rd in the West that year, going 84-78 but playing very well after McRae's outburst. It was George Brett's final season, and he could only DH. That Royals team had no regular hit over .300, and Catcher Mike Macfarlane led all Royals in homers with 20. Jose "Chico" Lind was the everyday 2nd baseman, and ex-Twins Gary Gaetti and Greg Gagne found Jesus and were actually vital to that team's success. The point is, after McRae shook a little life into everybody, the team finally started winning. And Kevin "Sleepy" McReynolds was on that squad!

Last night, Guillen really spoke for what the franchise has been since Brett's retirement. The face of the franchise for year's had been Mike Sweeney, and even though he is probably the nicest guy to have ever played Major League Baseball, I never really got the feeling that winning games was something that drove the guy. And I don't see it this year. Alex Gordon has all of the tools to become a David Wright, but sometimes he looks like he'd rather be on the beach hanging out with Patrick Swayze's crew in Point Break. If you shot David DeJesus with truth serum, he'd probably go on and on about how he's the luckiest guy in the world because there wouldn't be another team in the majors that would dare pencil him in their starting lineup, let alone ride the bench. I still expect great things from Mark Teahan, but he and John Buck constantly disappoint me and are mostly reminders of the Carols Beltran trade. The Royals still don't have a shortstop, anybody resembling a shortstop, or any clear cut idea on who would even be a backup plan for a shortstop.

So let's all applaud Guillen for if nothing else his moment of honesty. No burying Guillen here, only praise. He's right in saying nobody wants to win more than Manager Trey Hillman. We already knew Guillen was never a big reader of "How To Win Friends And Influence People", but I think he might have influenced some by finally telling it like it is. Yes, it'd be better if a Gordon or Teahan showed such passion. And Guillen may not even hit his weight. But maybe this guy has more of Hal McRae in him than I thought.

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Royal Issues

There are eight game losing streaks, and then there's getting swept in back-to-back four-game series. And that's where your 2008 Kansas City Royals are on the day after Memorial Day, which is really the first time to assess the state of what could be another sorry season.

Unfortunately the Royals can't play the Tigers every day (Detroit is tied with KC for last in the American League Central, and the Royals would be deep in the cellar if not for the way they've handled the disappointing Tigers). Starting with Jon Lester's no-hitter last Monday, the Royals have had just a dreadful East Coast swing. They get six games at home starting tonight against the Twins. Somehow, they have to find a way to take four of six before hitting the road again next week at the White Sox and Yankees.

Getting swept by the Red Sox and Blue Jays was beyond brutal, mostly because the Royals have no offense. They have to find a shortstop, somehow, because Tony Pena Jr. isn't the answer now or for the future. They need to stop fucking around with Mark Teahan and simply move him permanently to first base and give up this whole Ross Gload thing. Gload shouldn't be an everyday starter anywhere. Joe Posnanski of the Kansas City Star has the perfect idea of who the Royals should shake up their lineup. I'm not sold on the idea of Teahan leading off, but I like the idea of Joey Gathright playing center field everyday because of his quicks and defense, so I'd lead him off and hit Teahan 3rd. If I'm Trey Hillman, here's a lineup I'd start with tonight:

Gathright, CF
Grudzielanek, 2B
Teahan, 1B
Guillen, RF
Gordon, 3B
Butler, DH
DeJesus, LF
Buck, C
Somebody not named Pena, SS

Not anything close to perfect, but a shakeup is needed. The Royals pitching is decent enough. Planet Zack Greinke is finally becoming the ace we all thought he would. Brian Bannister is going to be a solid starter for years to come, and has been much better than his 4-6 record. Gil Meche is exactly what we all thought he would be, which is a good 3rd starting pitcher. Unfortunately, he's been the Royals number 1 since opening day, which means he's always going up against other team's aces. Luke Hochevar is coming around, but you can't expect big things from him this year. The Royals now have one of the best closers in the game in Joakim Soria, but of course he hasn't had any chance to save any games since the day before Lester baffled the Royals lineup.

Last week, George Brett said the AL Central was there for the taking, even for this team. That's a bit optimistic, even this early, even from the greatest Royal of them all. To paraphrase Rick Pitino from his Boston Celtic Days, "George Brett isn't walking through that door. Hal McRae isn't walking through that door. Amos Otis isn't walking through that door." Who I'd like to see darken their door is somebody who can solidify the shortstop position, a position the Royals have NEVER gotten big production from (save Jay Bell's 1997 season, when the Royals were again dreadful). And I'm still not big on David DeJesus as a long-term fix in the outfield. This team really needs some sort of jolt to transfix their overall mood.

It's just too bad Barry Lamar Bonds can't play the field, because he'd bring all sorts of fun to this club.

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Let Me Just Enjoy This, Even If It All Ends In A Week

MacG had the right mentality regarding Planet Zack. It wasn't just that he was so distraught about Brad and Jennifer splitting the sheets, it was the Brad Pitt movies that he likes so much. So really, who knew which Greinke we'd see on the hill today. We got more of what Brian Bannister gave us yesterday. Planet Zack goes 7 innings and allows 1 run against what experts were calling the best lineup since the 1927 Yankees. The text messages ran the rampant of "It's a marathon, not a sprint" to "It's still to early" to "Lose my number dickweed." No matter, the Royals just swept the Tigers on the road, to start the season. And unlike 2003 when there were a lot of home games and lady luck smiled often on that early Royals start, this team is actually playing well.

And now, we've got the mainstream media starting to pay attention. Well, FOX anyway. It'll take 20 in a row before ESPN even notices this shit. Today's big news is that Zack, who you always have to examine very carefully with his very first start, seems to have finally gotten past Brad and Jennifer. It's beyond early for any sort of crazy predictions regarding a team that has 159 more games to play. But realistically, can't we all set some goals of Greinke and Bannister winning 15 games each, Meche getting 12 W's, and we'll take it from there? Right now, I'll take that.

A lot of people are already a big too excited about Alex Gordon because he's hit 2 homers this early. He also struck out three times yesterday. But he's already batting third in the lineup. Which means he's expected to carry this team already. The boys in blue get three at the Metrodome over the weekend, before opening at home against the Yankees, in the only trip the Bronx Bombers will make to KC. Bannister and Greinke should be ready for games one and two of that series. I'll officially starting fevering in more cowbell after those two games. As long as Pitt doesn't cry while watching "A River Runs Through It." CLICK TO READ ENTIRE POST!

Finally, It Could Be Fun To Follow The Royals

But before we answer to that headline, it should be noted that it's true: EVERY Sports Illustrated issue is now available on-line. This actually turns out to be something a lot more entertaining than I ever thought it could be. You can thumb through any issue you want. Find and read old articles (including the infamous George Plimpton April Fool's Day joke about a pitching phenom named Sidd Finch). I mean, shouldn't Rolling Stone have done this years ago? That picture above, from SI's vault, is one of my cherished childhood memories. Almost midnight, Yankee Stadium, ALCS, and the Royals finally beat the Yankees to go to their first World Series. Dan Quisenberry striking out Willie Randolph, looking. It was the Quiz man's only strikeout in 3 2/3 innings of relief that night.

On to your 2008 Kansas City Royals. Nobody can ever get excited about starting a season 2-0 when a 10-game losing streak can loom anytime. But damn it's nice, gotta feel better than, oh-and-two perhaps. The real reason for excitement this early: Brian Bannister shut down the vaunted Tigers lineup for 7 shutout innings this afternoon. Bannister, it should be noted, had a great rookie year last season, and was one of GM Dayton Moore's master moves, picking the Mets pocket by trading Ambiorix Burgos to get Floyd Bannister's kid in hopes that he might be something of a starting pitcher. He's on his way to being an ace, which means Gil Meche can slide to a 2 or 3 starter, where he really should be anyway.

But why the Royals could be a good time. They finally seem to have some character about them. Crazy Zack Greinke, provided he's finally gotten past the fact that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston broke up (if you haven't heard Planet Zack, by all means, click on the link, he describes how he literally cried when he learned of the break-up and it seemed to put him in a serious state of long term depression) starts tomorrow afternoon against Detroit. Who knows which Greinke will show up. I'm just glad he seems to finally get to the park on time.

Joey Gathright is getting some face time with David Dejusus' injury, which is just another good reason to bring back the old Gathright over a car video:
We all panicked when Moore threw stupid money at Jose Guillen, who had just been busted for juicing. When Guillen was with Tampa Bay, he famously feuded with then Manager Hal McRae. So Guillen comes to Kansas City...and requests to where McRae's uniform number...and he's WEARING it. Guillen's still looking for his first hit, but that fucker's got a cannon of an arm in right field. The Royals sort of need a moody character who you think could just explode at any given moment. Sort of like McRae with a group of reporters. In other words: The Sweeney Era is officially dead and gone.

And now the Royals in there own way have let us find out what Trev Alberts has been up to lately. I still have no idea what Trev is actually doing for work, but he probably is the last guy who should call out an obscure blog (although damn if he called this one out, we wouldn't be at all pissed, we'd be thrilled). I hate to break it to Trev, but a lot of us have struggled in recent years with whether or not it's OK for our children to grow up Royals fans. I'm going all in with my kids this year, no matter if Zack breaks out the crocodile tears over Brad and Jennifer tomorrow on the mound in Comerica. Yes, it's going to be a bad year for the actual Kaufman Stadium, as it's still going through a remodeling phase that was pushed back because of the bad winter. The Royals Staff has been forced to office in the Plaza instead of the Stadium for the season. But for the better part of over 14 years, the Royals have literally been dead before the first pitch of the season. Finally, there's at least a glimmer of hope. I'm not expecting a playoff push, but I'm expecting to be able to follow the team all season long without embarrassment. And hoping Bannister can shove it to Boston and New York on the road like he did to Detroit. CLICK TO READ ENTIRE POST!

The Unemployable and Could Be Royals

Pitchers and catchers can't report soon enough, if for nothing else, just so I can stop worrying about whether or not I'm going to see Chuck Knoblauch on a milk carton (No worries, Chucky won't be in Florida or Arizona in a few weeks trying to make a comeback). Trees Trunk has compiled a list of MLB players who still haven't found a home yet. The Kansas City Royals history of bringing in older players in the twilight of their careers suggests they're better off just hiring a dog to do dishes instead of actual players attempting a comeback (Juan Gonzalez would be, oh, just one). But some warrant some consideration:

• Barry Bonds: He'd never want to take a roster spot from a more deserving young player. You know how Bonds is, that's just how he rolls.
• Kris Benson: He of course is married to that little minx Anna Benson, who once famously said that if Kris ever cheated on her, she'd sleep with every one of his teammates. Sure, that's when he was a Met, but this would make Jared Allen try out for the Royals. Joey Gathright would have Kris down at Westport every night trying to get him to cheat on his wife. Plus, Benson would be good for 9 wins, which could lead the team.
• Bartolo Colon: Make all the fat jokes you want, but the man also eats up innings. Royals brass could fool fans into thinking he's C. C. Sabathia. Might give Jason Whitlock an interest in the Royals for a change.
• Shawn Chacon: Real straight shooter with a lot of class. But I don't want him.
• Tony Clark: Gave last year's Diamondback team the slogan, "Anybody, Anytime." He might allow Anna Benson to borrow that slogan for a small fee.
• Shawn Green: He can miss all the Yom Kippur's he wants, the Royals will be mathematically eliminated months before the actual day.
• Kenny Lofton: He could fall into a sewer pipe and come up holding a gold watch in each hand. That's gotta be why he's played for 10 Major League Teams. The Royals won't be #11.
• Kyle Lohse: Just like those ESPN College Basketball Commercials where Jay Bilas' head grows out of someone's shoulder, they could do some similar creepy Royals promos with Lohse's head on Zach Greinke's left shoulder and the devil Fred Flintstone on his right shoulder.
• Kevin Mench: Ah, the guy who wore size 12 shoes for half of his life, had a nagging toe injury, and finally figured out he needed a size 12 1/2 shoe, which made at least two ESPN Baseball Announcers proclaim Mench as "Breakout Player of the Year." Is also the best friend of Keith David, who was in Road House. Might be enough for Bsmoked Turkey to buy season tickets.
• Doug Mientkiewicz: We've tried this before, and for all the acclaim the guy gets for his glove, well...he aint Keith Hernandez. Also a bit of a thief.
• Trot Nixon: Seems to have found Jesus, and as we learned from Mike Sweeney, that just doesn't take in this clubhouse. God hates the Royals.
• Corey Patterson: Nicknamed "Korey" with the Cubs because he struck out all the time. I say give him a shot, go gangster and nickname him Korey with a backwards K.
• Mike Piazza: If the Royals need somebody to burn ants with a magnifying glass to kill time, they'll give you a call Mike. But if you can't catch at least 100 games, we got nothin'.
• Sammy Sosa: I didn't know that family and friends refer to him as "Mikey". Not because he hit all those home runs from Life Cereal, but his grandma, "heard the name on a soap opera she liked and decided from that moment on (he) would be Mikey." The Royals already had "Mikey" Sweeney when they could have signed Johnny Damon or Carolsy Beltran to an extension. But they chose Mikey. Can't make the same mistake twice.
• Shannon Stewart: I can't reveal my sources, but when he was with the Twins, let's just say he was a little self-indulgent when it came to the office supplies. 'Nuff said.
• Ron Villone: Nicknamed "Suitcase" because of his many teams. Funny, nobody calls Kenny Lofton, "Suitcase". If he played for that many teams, he needs a better nickname.
• David Wells: Turns out he likes to sit in the dugout and speculate on which players are on steroids. He does a lot of other things too. Just give the guy an invite to Spring Training, he'll become my current favorite Royal. Plus imagine him with Kris Benson.
• Preston Wilson: Is both the nephew and stepson of Mookie Wilson (Mookie married Preston's mother after his brother fathered Preston). What is this, Chinatown? Is Jack Nicholson gonna slap Faye Dunaway around at Kauffman Stadium to hear her yell, "She's my daughter AND my sister"?
• Mike Sweeney: Is probably the nicest guy in the world. But sorry Mikey, it's over. He's just going to have to settle for volunteering at the Bingo.

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The Buddy System

All indications are that Buddy Bell is one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. That's probably part of the reason he keeps getting managerial jobs, despite one very large, looming factor.

He's been a part of more losing teams and games than anyone I can remember, and he's never been to the post-season.

Not as a player (he played 18 seasons four 4 different teams).

Not as a manager (three different teams, three years each, only once having a winning record, going 82-80 in 2000 during his first year managing the Rockies).

Trivia for the Yankee Faithful: Guess who else went his entire playing and managerial careers without reaching the post-season? Until 1996? "Clueless" Joseph Paul Torre.

Yet all the while, Buddy remains an affable fellow, always preferring to add a "y" to the end of his players names when referencing them (Alex Gordon is mentioned as "Gordy", Gil Meche got tagged with "Mechey". You get $55 million, you can deal with being called "Mechey".). I genuinely feel for the guy because he legitimately is stepping down because of family matters, and he had quite a health scare towards the end of last season. And I also feel for him because -- and let's face it, this isn't Buddy's doing, it's mostly because of Dayton Moore -- the Royals seem to have finally turned the corner and are ready to at least be competitive, maybe as much so as an Oakland or Minnesota or God willing St. Louis.

But affability and cheesy nicknames do not a winner make, and I've never been able to get past the fact that Bell's NEVER been a winner. Sure he was an All-Star, but go back and look -- he mainly made teams because those awful Indian and Ranger teams had to have their lone representative. Growing up, he was always the guy who would play 3rd base for the American League after George Brett put in his 4 innings as the starter.

Make no mistake, taking over this team isn't the Ferrari Torre got the keys to when he took over as Yankee skipper. But it is a better job today than when it was when Bell took over for Tony Pena. The Royals now have a competent General Manager in Dayton Moore, a good young nucleus of players who are locked in for a while ("Gordy" et al) a legitimate number 1 starter to build a staff around ("Mechey") and a bullpen that doesn't hand over leads. Moore does need to find or develop a second baseman and shortstop, but for now he's got two solid months of a jump start to go out and get the right guy to take over for Buddy.

Joe Girardi.

The real reason Girardi didn't take the Baltimore job is because that organization is a grease fire. It's not that he thought the Yankee gig would come open (and even if that one does, I still think it's going to Donnie Mattingly anyway). The 2008 Royals would legitimately allow Girardi to do what he did during his one year in Florida and then some. Moore has already shown that he'll go out and spend money on free agents if it solidifies a need. The 2006 Marlins had two players who made over $1 million and a bunch of prospects they got after yet another fire sale. And even for all the credit Girardi got, including winning the National League Manager of the Year, the Marlins finished 78-84, 4th place in the NL East. He won praise for basically not losing 100 games.

The 2007 Royals have a chance to finish in 4th place and NOT lose 100 games under a manager I've called "Clueless" just as the NY tabs did about Torre. The right manager -- Joe Girardi, the white courtesy phone please -- can take the 2008 Royals to above .500, as Moore will continue to find his right pieces for his vision of a team, which is the same vision John Schuerholz has had with the Braves since 1991. Moore learned right under Schuerholz. It's eerie how much he sounds like Schuerholz in interviews. People often refer to Moore as John Jr. That's a good thing if you're a Royals fan.

Moore and the Royals will leave for New York tonight for a weekend series against the Yankees. The team got an unexpected day off on Thursday as a bridge collapsed near the Metrodome in Minnesota and their game against the Twins is already postponed. Which means Moore should be on his black berry right now, texting Girardi and setting up a meeting at a non-chain restaurant in New York for Thursday.

He's got a jump start on everybody, including the Yankees. He has to at least give this his best sales pitch early. Yes, I realize Frank White is waiting in the wings, that he's a Royal legend, that he wants the job, that he's been successful at the minor league level managing. I'm also aware that there are published reports that Moore wants to talk with Braves coach Terry Pendleton, which I think is a horrible idea. What Moore has in front of him right now is the absolute right guy for the job. The guy who's proven he can create a winning attitude amongst a very young team (and even if the Royals somehow bring in a few more "veterans" they'll still be awfully young next season). Buddy Bell will understand if Moore gives the job to Girardi immediately.

After all, he's the nicest guy in baseball.

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Down on Rodeo

The man on the left used to patrol the astro turf at then Royals Stadium as perhaps the fastest man in baseball history. After years in Exile on Main Street, the Pitch has finally caught up to him.

Click here for a great read and update on one of my all-time Top 5 favorite baseball players. Willie Wilson seems to be making a comeback of sorts.

And I don't know about anyone else, but it warms the cockles of my heart to learn how much the once fastest man in MLB enjoys smoking cigarettes. I've never understood why the Royals never retired uniform #6, although I'm sure it has something to do with a quite public drug bust in which Wilson says he was the victim. At any rate, good read, and there is a very nice ending to the story. Wilson was forced to sell off all of his assets, including his 1985 World Series ring for $16,250. The '85 Royals team bought the ring back for Willie from the buyer. Yet another reason why the 1985 KC Royals are one of my all-time favorite teams. CLICK TO READ ENTIRE POST!

Another Royal Goes to Cooperstown; Billy Crystal Killed Bruno Kirby; AND Oh Yes, The Pine Tar Incident

Big congratulations to Denny Matthews, the Voice of the Kansas City Royals, for winning the 2007 Ford C. Frick Award and earning a spot in the Baseball Hall of Fame. When I first saw the nominees for this year's award, the other two big names that really jumped out were Tony Kubek and Ken "Hawk" Harrelson.

This will be Matthews 39th season with the Royals. Denny isn't on anyone's list of all-time greatest baseball announcers. In fact, as a life-long Royals fan, I'd say the greatest compliment I can give Matthews is that he's consistently competent. The word "ordinary" would often come to mind, but never "bad" or "horrible" (like I've called his current partner, Ryan Levebvre, many, many times). Matthews is getting this award and recognition for his longevity and association with one team for so long.

The Kansas City Royals baseball tradition runs much deeper than Denny Matthews, a guy who I'm sure the throngs of fans who show up in Cooperstown in July for Cal Ripken, Jr. And Tony Gwynn won't even recognize. I guess it's appropriate that Matthews goes into the Hall the same year that Ripken and Gwynn are. It was also announced last week that Rick Hummel of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch won the 2007 J.G. Taylor Spink Award for excellence in baseball writing. Hummel, like Matthews, Ripken and Gwynn, spent his entire career with one organization (in his case, covering the Cardinals).

I'm not familiar with Hummel's work, but I've been with Denny from day one of my life. Ripken's major claim to fame is the consecutive games streak, but the guy did win two AL MVP's. Gwynn was a much better hitter than people are giving him credit for. I can recall three defining moments in Ripken's career (that jog around Camden Yards after breaking Gehrig's streak in 1995, catching the final out of the 1983 World Series, and hitting that batting practice pitch that Chan Ho Park threw him in the 2001 All-Star game). Other than the first moment, the others aren't exactly awe inspiring. Gwynn could have given .400 a run if not for the strike shortened season of 1994, but if Aunt had a penis she'd be my Uncle. There's really no real "moment" from Gwynn's career. And similar to Gwynn, Denny Matthews has no signature moment from his broadcasting career. Not the home run that George Brett hit off of Gossage to seal the pennant for the Royals in 1980. Not the Pine Tar Incident (that was more for TV the Yankee announcers, and yes we've got the whole thing for you below -- we can't really that this one from radio because it had to be seen to be believed). Not the final out of the 1985 World Series or even the infamous blown Don Denkinger call. None of these signature Royals moments are defined by calls Denny Matthews made, which is odd for a Hall of Fame broadcaster. About the only one I can remember with Matthews voice that rings a bell is Brett's final at bat in 1993, and that's only because the game wasn't televised in our area.

Nevertheless, I'm happy for Denny Matthews, who I've heard more than any other broadcaster in my life. He deserves a spot in Cooperstown, if only because he's documented the entire history of the Kansas City Royals, and not many give this franchise the historic credit it deserves. It's almost like the 1970's or '80's never happened. So until Johnny Damon goes into Cooperstown as a Royal (which I'll argue over in 7 years) and Alex Gordon gets inducted 25 years later, we'll have to settle for two Royals getting baseball's greatest honor.

Oh, by the way, turns out Billy Crystal really is the rat bastard we've always thought he was. This is a great read, and has a great follow read after. So take that Yankee fans: One of your most beloved and famous fans is a major league jackass. And you've got nobody representing in Cooperstown this summer. And A-Rod is finished sucking Jeter's cock. Everything's right in the world.

Now the real treat. The 1983 Pine Tar Incident, in all it's glory. My favorite part of this video isn't Brett going Lou Ferrigno on the umpires, but Gaylord Perry and Hal McRae playing hot potato with that bat all the way up the visitors dugout. That Gaylord Perry, he always knew a thing or two about getting away with something. But keep your eyes on McRae. He was due up next in the lineup, but rather than congratulate Brett rounding the bases, he keeps his eyes on what the fuck those umpires are doing with that bat. You then see him go over to Geroge in the dugout as if to say, "I think you went with too much hot sauce on the taco", and then he made sure that when the shit went down, SOMEBODY grabbed that bat. The Yankee announcers credit Gaylord for taking the bat away from the umps, but we few Royals fans know the real truth, and if you watch closely, you can see it. McRae went out as if to restrain Brett, only to grab the bat, toss it down to Gaylord Perry, who made sure nobody important got it. I also love that bastard Craig Nettles trying to come in as if HE'S going to be the one to calm a madman down. Just a classic moment, and one that Denny Matthews isn't going to Cooperstown for (but that bat is believed to either be there, or with Hal McRae, nobody really knows for sure):
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